I HATE DOCTORS!!!! I understand that it is called "medical practice" but still!!! There are people involved! Actually I did not even get to see a Dr. I got a PA. Which a friend of mine is a PA but she was a nurse for years before. And she is not a psychiatric PA. She doesnt dole out medications flippantly and irresponsiably. And then when you have a horriable reaction to said medication, she doesnt try to tell you that its ok, it will leave your system, and that its weird that you had a reaction to it, considering it had an antihistimine in it. So what? I had a reaction, dont try to placate it. I cant afford to go to the ER every time I get put on something new. I have no health insurance yet. And when 30 minutes after taking the damn pill, my left arm goes numb and my heart starts pounding and I cant move beacuse of the dizziness, YES IT IS A REACTION TO THE PILL. Not for ANY OTHER REASON! And thats just ONE pill...I still have two more wonderful drugs to try. I just want to crawl in a corner and cry. I know there are soo many problems with our health care system, and most of the time its not the drs fault that he can only spend 10 minutes with you, but its got to change! Too many peoples lives are at stake! uggggg...I hate being a guinea pig to get better.

Jamie is home! He went away to a graduation ceremony for the weekend and just came back. We sat on the back deck for awhile and I was finally able to word some of the concerns that he has said regarding the whole bipolar thing. I think he finally gets some of what I am trying to say to him. I know and he knows that he will never understand fully without ever having these horrid feelings, but at least I feel better trying to get it across to him and he listened. And I am truly blessed that at least he is trying. And that he is going to be there to supervise me while I start this next round of meds. I have never had anyone to go through that with me. New thing. Scary as hell to be vulnerable though, but at least he is caring and concerned. Even if he can be stubborn and pigheaded! Anyway, more later :-)

I just got back from the Bookstore where I picked up the book Post Secret. It is so beautiful and tragic at the same time. It makes me feel incrediably sad. I want to hug strangers, because you never really know what someone is going through. We all have our perceptions of how we think other people are, in my case I always think everyone else "has it all togeather". Anyway, I highly recommend it. I love reading books that make you think and feel. Too bad they seem to be few and far between lately :-) I also bought Magical Thinking by Augusten Burroughs. I read Dry and Running with Scissors and was very impressed, so I will see how his short stories are. I doubt I will be disapointed. Not too much happening other than that. I seem to be having mini cycles all day. I could not get off the couch earlier, now I want to take the dog I am dogsitting for and go on a 5 mile run and I dont even run in the first place! All this goes on in my head though....I know I will just sit here with the dog and read. Well, at least I went to the bookstore (even if I did spend too much money!)

PS~ For some reason my spell check is not working...until I figure it out please bear with me :-)

ok....here I am. 2 days ago I was diagnosed with BiPolar type 2. Yippee. Lucky me. and another fabulous bonus: starting Tues I get to ride the medication rollercoaster and all the lovely side effects it intails. I have tried about 12 so far for depression, and what fun that was! But I never found any that made me feel better. All that work and time and nothing. just nausea, dizzyness, bitchness (oh, wait thats not new) heart exploding (I highly recommend, the bruising afterwards had such pretty colors to look at).

So anyway, one of the things I was told to do was journal. For some reason I look at that empty peice of paper and draw a complete blank. Always have, but i love owning journals (weird)

So I went to the world wide web for ideas. and I discovered blogging. and blogging. and blogging. I spent 8 hours reading http://janelovestarzan.com from start to current. I laughed and cried and finally found hope. She is an amazing woman. She talks sometimes how blogging is an outlet for healing and how much better her community has made her feel. So, I decided to take the plunge. Yes, boys and girls, this is my virgin voyage and I have no idea what I am doing, but thats ok, cause its not about graphics (wellll, not ALL about) Its about getting all this crap off my chest and hopefully making friends that share the same issues. I need hope. And I have found it in so many blogs from people who are couragous enough to create these amazing words and be real about it. This has been a long mental journey and now that I finally get a diagnosis that makes sense to me, I need a help up