Jamie just told me that I have been screaming in my sleep the last 2 nights..he is worried...I dont know what to say to make him worry less...and I didnt know that I yelled, according to him I yell "no" over and over.....I dont know what to do about this.....

Thanks guys, so much for your comments...
I dont know why, but it always makes me smile when I check my email and see that I have comments...maybe it is shock that anyone reads this stuff?? I dont know, but I sure do appreciate it. Comments are actually the highlight of my days recently....

Things have been hard the past 2 days....not really anything new, just trying to find a job, trying to keep from crying, trying to keep from calling my father and screaming at him for being such a louse. Trying not to freak out every second about my Brother and what he is doing.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.....

My god I am depressed....Jamie and I planned to clean out the garage and after giving him instructions on how I wanted it done, I bailed. I unloaded maybe a quarter of all the crap in the there and then went and sat and now he is doing all the work....I can barely move....I found out today that the whole situation with my brother is just a lie. everything. a lie. long story how all this came out, but now everyone is thinking he is schizophrenic. He needs psychiatric help, but he doesnt believe in meds. He says its the governments way of mass controlling the population. I feel so betrayed. I know he doesnt mean to hurt me....but it happens all the same. My poor mom. she doesnt have much and yet she gave him the last of what she had when she saw him last week. and she didnt need to. and now everyone is worried if he is confronted that it will throw him over the deep end and he will end himself. so much is going through my head and I just cant move. Jamie does what he can, but its just not enough right now..Sat night is our only night togeather that we can sleep in the next day...We usually curl up with a movie and a bottle of wine and just enjoy each other. I cant even do that. I just want to go to bed. try again tomorrow. I hate being like this. I feel like I dissapoint Jamie, even though he says I dont. He thinks I am this strong independent woman. I dont know why he thinks that. esp right now, its just not true anymore.

So I have a confession to make....and if I cant be honest here, then there is no place for me.
Since going back on meds, I am having dreams....colorful, vivid, real to life dreams...most of them are good, funny, non important. Well I had one last night that I did not want to wake up from. Remember when you first fall in love with someone and every sensory is on overload? Well I had one last night about a man (I do not know him) and that feeling when he looked at me across a room, my heart fell into my stomach. We talked, he had to go but told me that he was in love with me. Then he puts a hand up and says "Dont respond to that, I just wanted you to know how I felt" I could not speak. I felt the same way. and then I woke up. I had all those first "honeymoon stage" feelings. I can still feel them. For someone other than Jamie. Someone in a dream! Jamie and I have been togeather since last Oct, but we knew each other for a year prior. And I had those feelings for him when we first were togeather. But now it has evolved into the calm, easy, comfortable relationship. I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am sad I will never have those emotional overload moments again. Not that I would trade Jamie for the world, but I guess that part of my life is over and I need to be ok with just dreaming about it. I know it makes me sound selfish and self-centered, and I am truly happy with Jamie, but I wish the feeling would have lasted longer with us.

yippee!! I now know how to add links to my page...Thanks Kansas!! I will add more I promise, but I cant seem to concentrate to finish...I have so many that I read on a daily basis that it will take forever! Slowly but surely it will happen.....

Is it just me, or are writing letters a dying art? Jamie's godson is in boot camp right now, and I know that letters keep the boys sane through all the insanity they go through, but I have no idea what to say...
Any suggestions? I would like to send at least a one or two letters a week while he is there, but we live a pretty boring life...

Update on Brother:
Well he got a job....and now Girl wants him back...after telling all their friends and him that he was a worthless, good for nothing, SOB. He called late last night and we had a really good talk about suicide, self esteem, etc...My mom just emailed me and told me that Brother decided he wont take her back (yipee!!) He is still looking for a new place to live, and having a job helps immensly! So hopefully he will be on his own soon....Girl needs a swift kick in the ass, preferably by me..I can always plead insanity :-) Seriously though, I believe in Karma and I know she will get her own one day.

As for me, I am ok....I am up to 20mg of Strattera and while it does NOTHING for the depression and panic attacks, it does help calm the hamsters in my head a little....the only side effect is weird tingles like cold spots over my body. But it is not bad. I went to therapy on Mon and told the therapist I never want to go back to that pdoc, so she hooked me up with a diffrent PA than the one I saw initially. So I go on the 14th of August.

My pdoc appt...LOL...in a nutshell: He would not look me in the eye the first 15 min of the appt. He talked down to me like I was stupid and/or crazy. He called me a chicken for slowly building tolerance to the meds because I have so many bad reactions. He will only treat one symptom at a time: The head pressure was really bad and I wanted that fixed first. He said if I was a "true bipolar" one of the 13 meds I have tried would have worked (most I discontinued because of side effects) He said I have traits of ADD, Bipolar, and PTSD. And then he insinuated that nothing was seriously wrong with me....well I almost committed myself the Sat before, because I wanted to die, but no nothing serious. He did not give a shit about my health and wellbeing.
One my next visit to the therapist (they share a file) I brought up all the new diagnosises and my therapist preceeded to tell me that he didnt change it in my file..apprently drs rarely do in this program, and it is up to the therapist. Not sure what to think about that. but regardless, at least I dont have to see him again.
I am happy to report that although my therapist was wearing a short sleeve shirt, she was wearing those loose flowing short pants that only come to below the knees...and her legs were shaved!!! So maybe there is hope....But I am still feeling as if it is a waste of time. I am really freaked out about the job situation, and she offered no help or feedback. I am just thinking that I am venting to her with no comments....hell I do that here, and I feel I get more therapy from the blogs and comments you guys leave than her!

and so it goes....

Something I saw on tv over the weekend...havent seen it since, but wanted to share. Apprently in NC there are some lawsuits about Zeprexa and Seroquel...they can cause diabetes and over 700 cases were settled or something...I caught the tail end, but I know alot of people here take Seroquel, so I wanted to post it anyway....

you know when you have so much to do, and the pressure is so on, and yet you cant do a thing?

I have to get a job. Like NOW. I am registered with all the temp agencies here, plus the unemployment office, and go through the papers every day. I send out resumes daily. and yet I still dont have one. I dont understand why. I go places and see people with no customer service skills and I want to hit them over the head and tell them if you hate your job so much give it to me!!!! I even went to the grocery store and they said I was overqualified. Well, duh but the fact that I am there should give you a clue how desperate I need to work. And I work hard.

Jamie is talking about getting a second job. I absolutly cannot let that happen. He would work 2 jobs to my 0? No way. I dont know what else to do.

I had to tell my pregnant best friend that I may not make it to her wedding the end of Aug because of all this. (she lives in CO). It breaks my heart.

My Strattera perscription is $300 per month. I have to get a job!
My mental state improves when I work too...god knows I need that!
I just cant figure all this out...I should be working dammit! I have been working since I was 14! I have never had this much trouble finding a job.

frustrated.

Mom left this morning, I am sad of course, but also exhausted....I am taking today to recover and just watch tv with Jamie tonight. Nothing stressful, forget the housecleaning, it will still be there tomorrow. I promise to write more later, I have so much to say that I am overwhelmed and not sure where to start, but it will come....

Woo Hoo!!! Feeling ok today! Hope this lasts :-) Mom arrived safe yesterday afternoon, she went and saw my brother so that helped both of them. He did not come with her, because he got a job! A 4 week temp job, but still, it helps him mentally and puts some money in his pocket to get the hell out! Mom slipped him a few dollars (she doesnt have much) and offered to help him find another place to live, so maybe by next week Brothers situation will be better.
Jamie and my mom went to the grocery store to get "supplies". This is the first time they have met and they seem to be bonding well (whew). Although since they are both angels, they are destined to be friends. Mom showed up with a housewarming gift, a beautiful ceiling fan to replace the crappy one we have now....it will be an intresting weekend....hope that between the 3 of us we can put the fan up without injury :-)
We are even having a BBQ tomorrow night for a friend of mine and her 2 kids. her husband is in Iraq and so she needs the opportunity to relax. Hopefully we can provide a great evening. I promise a entry will come soon of the horriable pdoc visit, but I am feeling too ok right now to dwell on it...I prob wont be writing for a couple of days (mom leaves here Mon) but know I am thinking of you all and will return shortly. Have a wonderful weekend!

dammit, I just tried writing again....power keeps flickering......
I just cant deal write now. I read my friend Sunflowers blog, and cannot find any words of encouragement. I would if I could, if you read this, I am so glad you are feeling better, you too Jane....I will write more when i can stand on my feet.
just for documention: Started 10mg of Strattera today.

Well I just wrote this beautiful, long, descriptive entry about my horror with the pdoc. then the power went out and it was lost...... I dont feel like writing it again right now......Just too damn frustrated with every damn thing. Hopefully tomorrow will be better....

Well I found out some news today.....just for the record, I am a white, red headed, blue eyed, childless, 27 year old woman. Therefore even though I have this hideous disease, I only qualify for 4 more sessions of therapy. At least the pdoc visits wont be capped for a little while. But in regards to the therapy, I am wondering if it is such a good match in the first place. Yesterday, as I am telling my tale, she reaches over to her desk to get a sip of water. And she is wearing a tank top. and ewww, she has not shaved her armpits! In what looks like months! Even on my most laziest days, my razor has a visit with my armpits. So obviously we have diffrent views on basic hygiene. She seems nice, but she listens and doesnt give feedback. I need feedback, thats the whole purpose to me. Anyone can listen, I need guidance. So we will see how this goes.

So there is this little tropical depression off the coast of NC and everyone here seems to have lost their minds. I had to go to the dreaded Walmart today or to the 9 levels of hell as I refer to it. Well, it seems that the entire county was there buying water, generators, batteries, etc...We are talking about 50 mile per hour winds. We had that in a storm last weekend! Now, if a CAT 5 was coming, of course prepare. Last year I was living on a small island right on the beach and Ophelia (CAT1) came and sat for 24 hours. No big deal. I was even on the weather channel. None of the locals left, yes some debris got thrown around, but all was well and the grocery stores didnt get blown away. Hell, even a CAT 2 go ahead and prepare...but a tropical depression? You would think (since this only the 400th one in the past 20 years) that people would learn.

Well I have my pdoc appt tomorrow. Wish me luck

My god, I am tired.....I am so beat recovering from this weekend...I recieved an email, my mom (who lives in Chicago) is getting on a plane and coming down on Thurs... so I will be in and out, I dont know if I am going to Greensboro to pick up my brother and bring him back here or what. But I know that being all togeather will give my mom some peace and hopefully show Brother that there are options to get out of the hole he is in. Things got worse over the weekend with Bitch and him. Just more of the same BS, but more heartless....
Well I think I am tired enough to sleep.....
Goodnight

Well, here it is....the rant from hell.
This has been the longest weekend of my entire life....Sat was AWFUL and I spent the entire day crying and comtemplating checking myself into a hospital. It was that bad. Then Jamie came home and just having his presence helped. The depression has NEVER been as bad as that day. At one point I was on the bathroom floor throwing up and sobbing. To be honest, the whole day is fuzzy...I finally got to sleep around 4am Sun morning and slept until 10:30ish. I woke up feeling the crying hangover, but was def better. Then around 12 the panic attacks started. and I was out of Xanax. Shit. Now..the adventure of trying to get it...

Some background: I have no health insurance. I cannot afford self pay health insurance due to my pre-existing condition. (and I dont have a job, although not for lack of trying) Jamie and I are not married, so no insurance there. So I sucked up my pride a month or so ago and went to the county human services dept to get free therapy and psych care. The government does not allot proper funds for quality care in these environments. And a large majority of clients are drug abusers, homeless, and people just down and out on their luck. So the fact that we are all there, despite what horrid situation we are in, should be clue that things are tough for us. You would think that would mean that a little compassion and caring would be appropriate. Hell, even if you spent $1,000 a visit, you should get compassion, just based on the fact that psychiatric disorders are scary as hell and some fucking empathy would be a good thing.

So anyway, this pressure in my head is unbelievable and I can barely talk because of the panic attacks that keep coming over and over and over....

So I call the emergency help line for the human services dept and tell them whats going on. Well, they are apprantly in an office 1 hour away and since my file is my town, they cant access it....Well if the fucking government would give these services computers, maybe this WOULDNT BE A FUCKING PROBLEM!!!!! I am crying, begging them to call the on call doctor and I am sure I sounded like a strung out drug addict, but all I was asking for were 2 pills to get me through till Weds. I take the smallest dosage and cut it in half. So she finally said she would call the dr and call me back.... she calls back in 10 min and tells me that the dr is not returning his page and that I should go to the ER. Hmmmm...if I cant afford health insurance, what makes you think I can afford the hundreds (maybe thousands) of dollars that it takes to go to the ER?? Not to mention that I am having major panic and to have to wait for hours in a waiting room to get called back? No way. I ask her to keep trying the dr. She says ok....5 min later she calls me back and "that I interupted his church service, which is why he took so long to call back, and that he was not going to call in a script and that I should go to the ER" WTF?????

After what happened Friday night, I am now convinced that church is out to hurt me.

So I call the local urgent care (a regular dr clinic thats open on Sun) and I head over there....the wait is an hour and a half. So I sign my name and go back home for that time. I then return..get called back and within 15 I have gotten my vitals and weight taken (ewww), seen the dr, have the script (for 40 pills!!) and head to the pharmacy. within 5 min at the pharmacy I have the pill in my body (given to me by the nicest pharmacy clerk I have ever known, she needs a medal and a raise) I then go home. Jamie had given me $100 to go do all this.... I walk in the house he gives me a huge hug. I put the reciepts and my purse on the counter...he picked them up and says the most beautiful thing:

dr appt: $76
medication: $13
the smile on your face: priceless

I have never loved him more.....

ohhhhh.....be foreward: angry healthcare situation blog coming soon.....

Thank God, yesterday is over!!! I am feeling better today, but a bit hungover feeling (from all the crying) I think it is a day to spend with a book and wait till tomorrow when I see my therapist......
I need you guys help though....this pressure in my head is unbearable....has anyone felt this before? Where it is soo uncomfortable with all the thoughts racing in my head where it feels like its just going to blow up? I would really appreciate the comments.....

Well morning has come.....I cant handle this. My mom being sick and in out of dr offices and hospitals, and not finding whats wrong. My brothers ulcers that could be fatal, and his situation. My father taking things I say and twisting it all around to make himself look like a better father. and making me look like an idiot. My lack of employment. My lack of sleep. My weight. My head, trying to find the right med. I stopped Lamitcal last night and I feel like I am crawling out of my skin today. its all too much to take. I dont know what to do, its like hitting a brick wall over and over and over...I usually try to be positive, but right now, I just cant...its too much. I am supposed to go swimming today with my neighbor, but I dont want to go out in public looking like a whale and I cant seem to stop crying. Poor Jamie, he is working overtime today and wont be home till later, but I feel so bad that he has to deal with me...I dont like dealing with me right now. I woke him up at 3am last night just sobbing and he just held me and listened...I dont feel like I deserve him. I know all these feelings will pass, but right now, the light at the end of the tunnel looks like the headlight of an oncoming train.....

This will prob be a long one......many subjects to talk about

Well, Lamictal is banned from my body. My skin feels like it wants to peel off and I have these weird cold spots all along my back. And no diffrent feeling in my head.

Does anyone else have this feeling that your head is going to explode from so much pressure when its actually all the thoughts that are racing? Where it is almost painful and def uncomfortable?

I got another rejection for a job today....damn this is hard....

I talked to my mom and my father today....whew, let me explain the highlight of my day first before I go into all that crap.....

Jamie. Just Jamie. He is the highlight. He saw me after I got my hair done and all dressed up (after almost crying because nothing fit anymore, but I found something black, classy, and slimming) his jaw dropped and he called me beautiful :-) We then went and had the best Italian I have had in YEARS!!! YUMMMM!!!! And then we hit Walmart. You know how Walmart is crammed with things that you dont need, but you want??? Well, Jamie indulged me and let me pick out all sorts off things, DVDs, CDs, and this awesome Volleyball, racquetball, tennis, thing set to put out in the backyard...when then came home and listened to the new cds and drank wine and just spent time togeather.....It was lovely....then he went off to bed and I went online to blog for the night before I tried to sleep......

and then my father IM'd me on AOL. Oh boy....I get heart palpations thinking about this conversation.... Breif background: He is an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic who is married to a gold digger. This is his 3rd marriage, after being with my mom 1st for 25 years, then his 2nd after 4 months ended with guns, stolen money etc...so this is his 3rd. She got a good gig, going from a $10,000 trailer to a $200,000 house on the intercoastal waterway with private pier and boat dock (which is beautiful) That doesnt bother me so much as she has 3 adult kids all married with kids. My father seems to forget that he has 2 kids...my brother (who desperatly needs support right now) and me (who most of the time feels beyond help! LOL). Here is the hardest thing for me to deal with: Since his last marriage, my father has found Jesus. He never showed any intrest in church while I was growing up and I would sometimes go to church with friends with no support from him. that was fine. I am was ok with that.
Well when I was 16 my parents seperated. Great, my father had a mean fist and was not afraid to use it (esp on my brother) I was not hit as often. My parents seperated, my mother decided that she was 25 again and started going to clubs. I was in high school working 2 jobs and had my first serious boyfriend. I was surviving....blah, blah, blah, My mom finds spirituality when I was about 25. She believes in God and angels and starts meditiating and lighting candles...I find this cool, whatever, it makes her happy....so I have a father Southern Baptist and a mother..a spiritualist, I guess? Anyway, I have own beliefs and I dont care to get into them right now, but It is not Southern Baptist. I also have a stepbrother who is a southern baptist preacher.

I am sooo off track of the point...

I get an IM from dad talking about his wife and their problems (they may have seperated?)
At one point I heard she was going to anger managment classes, but did not finish? I cant keep track anymore. Anyhow, he thought he was IMimg my MOTHER.....and started talking all sorts of shit about Viagra etc....icky stuff that a daughter need not hear. I corrected him right away and then he proceeds to tell me that him and my mom were going to get back togeather...until he and wife worked things out and now mom is pissed at him...I talk to mom either by email or phone daily and I KNOW she wants nothing to do with dad, except when it has something to do with the kids. But I dont say anything. I change subject (a talent of mine) and ask about medication, since I get this lovely bipolar from his genetics. He then tells me that he refuses meds because the Lord is helping him.. He is "toughing it out" with the Lords help....Well, I said that God invented meds for man and he said he was sorry for me and that he wanted to talk in person. I said fine, just dont preach at me.....I HAVE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN MY HEAD!!!! I need chemical adjustment. Although I do believe in prayer, I feel that I need to be proactive also "God helps those who helps themselves" right??? I have a different opinion on religion/ spirituality etc... but a father should want his child to get better, even though its not what avenue they may choose right? I mean the bottom line is health and be productive in society.

But the fact that all this stuff is happening in my head and I KNOW he feels the same way, instead of supporting me, he judges me because I am choosing meds.....he chooses jesus, thats fine, but respect what I believe too...What happened to the commandment "though shall not judge" ???

I dont know if any of this makes sense to anyone. My eyes are swollen and blurry from crying and my head is just not working right.....

So now I am freaking out...just talked to Brother...he has had stomach ulcers since he was 15...with all this stress they have come back in full force and he is not able to keep anything down. He has no health insurance although he promised that if it got too bad he would go to the ER. He said that he found a cure for stomach ulcers....pot. Has anyone done/ heard about this? According to him medicinal weed has been proven to cure them. No, Brother is not one to take drugs (he is quite the computer, geeky boy) so I know he not just looking for an excuse to get high. But both of us are gulliable and believe everything we are told. He has not even tried it (because he will have to take a drug test when he gets employment) But I am wondering if anyone else has ever heard of this? Or any other alternatives?

Busy day today....Jamie got a financial reward for being such a good guy at work so we are celebrating tomorrow night with an expensive dinner (well, expensive for this little town) What he does not know is that I have an appt with my magical hair stylist at 3 to surprise him when he comes home :-) I applied for 3 jobs today, so hopefully I will hear something soon...I have applied for prob 30 jobs in the past 2 weeks, so something Must happen soon right? Lamictal seems to be ok, I dont feel anything yet....I had a headache today for a bit, but not sure yet if itwas because of the pill. I have my pdoc appt next Weds for a "full and complete eval" so if I dont write its because they have sent me away :-) Which at this point I would not object to be honest. Going through all this I feel as if I am all alone with all the pills, maybe if I was supervised while finding the right med I would feel safer, not so much of "take the pill and hope for the best" and hope you dont have an allergic reaction that might kill you. I dont understand why they can measure levels in blood of minerals, hormones, lead, white cells, red cell, etc....and yet they cant measure seratonin or any of the other brain chemicals. Have they even tried? Maybe if there was a peice of paper that printed out my crazy chemical levels, not only would the stigma of mental illness be demolished (like with the measure of blood sugar levels) but the drs could choose which drug would work. Its all a crap shoot at this point. Ok, done ranting on the injustices of all this bullshit (for the moment anyway)

I have been in a lovely cleaning mode today. I even organized and catagorized my cds and books (I have 5 tall bookshelves of books) along with doing the dishes, vacuuming and filing bills..yea for me :-)

My best friend who is 2,000 miles away just found out she is 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I am going to be an auntie!!! her and I went through so much togeather. She is the only friend that I have talked to about this bipolar thing, and she did not miss a beat. You know your true friends when you can talk to them about something like this and they love you anyway without judgement. I love how we dont even talk about it much except to ask how I am feeling and then it is on to whatever else topic there is. She does not tiptoe around me and I appreciate it that more than I can ever say.

Well not only is BF pregnant but my next door neighbor ( I live in a duplex) announced that she was 4 weeks 3 days pregnant. They are both due in March (which is also my brothers b-day) so I will be pretty much broke :-) but I dont mind a bit. I am planning on getting both babies started on a good classic childrens book collection. I already went and bought Mozart for both of them :-) I know, its a bit snobbish, but I am ok with that.

off to read a bit......

I guess it was too much to ask to sleep two nights in a row.....I took the Xanax at 9....fell asleep for about 15 min at 10:30 and now I am wide awake......I am going to go pour a glass of wine....I have GOT to sleep....

Talked to brother today...he has an appt with a temp agency, so hopefully it will work out and he can get a place of his own!
It was a bloody miracle last night, after having mega anxiety, I took a .5mg of Xanax, I usually only take .25 . Well, 30 min after I took it, I was sound asleep...I havent slept that good in years! I finally found a pill that works as a sleeping pill! Yipee!
I had another job interview today, but as he was telling me how bright and personable I was, he thinks I am overqualified and that I wont have any trouble finding a job. I have been looking for 8 months now!! Oh well, at least he made me feel good as he was rejecting me. it could have been worse.

I keep feeling like I am crawling out of my skin...Just took a Xanax.....I hope this helps....

I am tired...so tired....
Talked to brother, he is still hanging in there, I call him every day.
I have not been going to sleep until 4-4:30 am for the past 4 days....I took 4mgs of Lunesta last night and all it did was make me feel drunk. I did not get to sleep until 4am. I took the pill at 10pm. I cant live like this. I read an article about how researchers are finding that people who do not get enough sleep, gain weight. Maybe thats why I am so big.
I have such self hatred and loathing for myself. I cant stand it. I feel that I am never going to get my head straightened out. I feel helpless for my brother, I can hardly function myself and I dont know what to do to help him. I offered to go get him and take him wherever he needed to go, but he declines. But says he will call if he needs me. I hope so. We were raised that to accept help means that we now owe them. Its so frustrating.
Went to therapy yesterday. I havent decided if we "click" yet. I had a wonderful one in DC that helped with my anxiety wonderfully. My therapist now, seems to say alot of "what do You think you should do" when I explain a problem. Instead of teaching me diffrent perspectives and helpful tools. If I knew what to do with this problem by myself, I wouldnt be asking for help now would I?
I go to my pdoc next week.....I am tired of all these meds that just make me feel drugged all the time and I dont get any positive results. My main 2 concerns are the racing thoughts that make my head feel as if its a pressure cooker, its almost painful. I think faster than I can even talk. its ridiculous. and Very uncomfortable. The other is sleep. I need sleep. I miss sleep. I want to sleep like Jamie. As soon as he lays down he is asleep in 3 min. then wakes up at 5am feeling refreshed and ready for the day. I have Never been able to wake up refreshed...I wonder what its like....

I have little brother, 3 years younger than me. We are complete opposites in what we think, like, believe etc....and after the usual sibling fights during our younger years, we have become almost friends. I dont agree with alot of his choices, but they are his to make and I support whatever he decides. He and I live 4 hours apart in NC. My mother lives in Chicago and my father..well that doesnt matter, he is not a good support system for either of us. Short version: Brother/Boy followed girlfriend to another town 2 hours way so girl could go to school. Boy gets job. Girls parents wont pay for any of girls rent so boy pays (even though girl has HUGE trust fund that she has access to) Thats cool. Boy pays willingly and unselfishly. Boys sister (Me) and mom (who drove from Chicago) go to happy couples house for xmas. boys sister and mom leave the next day in tears after horrible comments made by Girl towards Boy's mom and sister. Degrading comments made ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT. (Girl is DAMN lucky boys sis did not KICK HER ASS, but she respects boy, and mom was upset enough) Boys sis and mom get over it and offer full acceptance of girl (who never apologized) Well, economy goes to shit, boy gets laid off work 2 weeks ago. After getting out of hospital for unidentified fainting spells. Boy is a bit vulerable and could use a little fucking compassion. (be warned, the language gets worse) Nope, girl decides if boy doesnt find job and pay rent that he needs to leave. After he has supported her with her using NONE of her own money so she can go to school full time without having to work. Oh and the fact that 2 months ago, she said she would MARRY him. He gets a brief time of bad luck and she bails. I say fine good riddence. Nope, he is in a town where he does not know too many people and she is telling him to leave (he is still in the middle of tests about the fainting spells) Well he has spent all his money on her. Any leftover has gone to Dr appt. Well last week he BORROWED money from her TO BUY HER GROCERIES. He has nothing except a car...now he does not even have that. Yup, he sold his car to pay back the GROCERY MONEY THAT HE SPENT ON HER AND HER FUCKING RENT. He isnt even staying there but both names are on the lease. He is sleeping on a couch trying to figure out how to get back to where he came from. Well now the hopelessness and helplessness has gotten so bad, suicide is heavy on his mind. He knows enough to call someone but I feel so helpless not being near....my mom feels like a complete failure with 2 unemployed kids, both struggling, and she is hours and hours away. It breaks my heart..I want to kick girls ass for making my mom feel bad too! Mom has enough on her plate (she also recently got out of the hospital) and while I am not dumb and know that Boy is not perfect and made his own mistakes with Girl, but I will ALWAYS choose his side. UUUUGGGG..... I called him a little while ago and he seems to be holding up, but it scares me how night (at least for me) brings the hopelessness closer and I am scared he wont be able to bear it.....

This is a completly random thought blog....for the past 2 weeks my head has been swimming with thoughts and cant seem to put it all in a straight line. I feel this unbearable pressure in my head from thinking too much. Sleep is a distant memory. No pill has helped. I cant focus on a damn thing. This post is taking FOREVER to write. But some people have been nice enough to read my ramblings, so I need to get over my insecurities and write dammit!

I wonder what part of my personality is illness and what is the core of me? The fact I care waaayy too much about what other people think - illness? me? My insecurities? When I feel happy, is that hypomania or me? Is hypomania the only way I get to smile?

I thought the other day that Jamie was finally "getting it" about my moods etc...nope. He had the audacity to say to me yesterday that I just need to change my perpective and I will feel better. Think happy thoughts. WTF??? What am I, Peter Pan? Gets me fired up just to write that stupidity down. he is quick to say what he "thinks I need to do" and yet has not done ANY reading or educating about Bipolar. grrrrrr....... Well, shit, now I am all pissed off.

On a good note, I have a job interview tomorrow....That has health insurance! Please think good thoughts for me! It is at a dr office, so maybe if I have a bad reaction to any meds they might be a little more understanding....but hopefully I will take the Lamictal and all will be well :-)

I spend too much time reading blogs. I love them. Am unbelievably addicted. I spend hours reading stories. Is there a blog ettiquitte when you read someone elses? Please understand I just started this recently. I never really knew what a blog was until I read one a month ago. but if I am making any faux pas, it is not intended.

One of these days I will learn more about HTML and make this space better, but I am lucky most days if I have the energy to write.

I dont have a 100 things about me...but here are a few peices of info:

Punkin: My father has always called me this. I thought since he is an unmedicated alcoholic bipolar that I should add something other than bipolar that we share.

I cannot remember a time I did not have depression. I am only 27

I have never felt like I belong anywhere or with anyone. I keep waiting for someone to walk up and tell me I dont belong here.

I had my first panic attack at 19 on an airplane. My mom works for a major airline and my father retired from the FAA....hmmm..wonder if there is some connection? LOL

When I moved from CO to VA at 23 my mom had to pack up everything I own and drive me out there becuase I could not get out of bed.

My mom does not understand mental illness. She loves me anyway.

My dad did not believe me when I told him. He says I am strong enough to overcome bipolar without medication. WTF? Yeah, hows that working for you dad? I wont even go into the drama that he puts himself through......

I read EVERYTHING. Any book I get my hands on I read it. It is the only way I can get thoughts to form a straight line in my head. Even though they are not my thoughts.

I have not one creative bone in my body.

ok, this is going to post...

I really meant to write lately. But Jamie's godson came down for a visit with his buddy before they go into the Marine corp in 2 weeks. Too much testosterone in the house for me! I spent the past 3 days in the kitchen. And now, blissfully, I have a full hour to myself! Yipee! And I got my very first comment! And it was from my favorite blog....it was a meme.....thats a good way to get to know someone better I think.... so here goes

Instructions:
1. Go to Wikipedia.
2. In the Search box, type your birth month and day (but not year).
3. List three events that happened on your birthday.
4. List two important birthdays and one interesting death.
5. One holiday or observance (if any).

My birthday is August 20th.

Events:
1. 1920 - The first commercial radio station, 8MK (WWJ), begins operations in Detroit, Michigan.
2. 1938 - Lou Gehrig hits his 23rd career grand slam--a record that still stands.
3. 1991 - Collapse of the Soviet Union: More than 100,000 people rally outside the Soviet Union's parliament building protesting the coup aiming to depose President Mikhail Gorbachev

Important birthdays:
1. 1948 - Robert Plant, English singer (Led Zeppelin)
2. 1946 - Connie Chung, American journalist

Death:
1912 - William Booth, English founder of the Salvation Army (b. 1829)

Holiday:
Morocco - Revolution of the King and the People Day


Interesting fact: 3 diffrent Popes died on my birthday over the years...hmmmm....

Now I must go and enjoy the quiet....