Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts during this time....I was having trouble coping with all of this, but I took a xanax and am now doing ok. For some reason when I am upset I end up tossing up my food and have not able to eat anything. I took a pill and was finally able to keep down some soup! My mom is on her way down and my brother meets with his doc tomorrow, the financial people on Fri and the final decision of treatment will be made on Mon. There is a new procedure they are using at Duke that they are leaning towards, but he will get more info tomorrow. It was caught in the early stages so things are hopeful. I will be updating as soon as I know anything. You guys are keeping me from cracking into a million peices, thank you. Yes, I will be depending on xanax for the next week....but thats the only way that I can appear to be strong and function. I may get let go by my job because I had to take the past 2 days off (sickness and severe panic) and I will have to take off some next week for brothers surgery. Jamie is trying to convince me to go on disability, but I know that as soon as things calm down and i get the right med I will be able to hold a job. at least I hope. oh god, just get me through this next week.....

my brother was diagnosed with a cancerous mass in his stomach. please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

So sorry I have been neglecting you guys..let me tell you why....
Last week my brother (the one who went through all that shit with his girlfriend, and that has deep depression right now) had to go to the ER. When they did the cat scan, x-ray, whatever, they found 3 kidney stones (he has since passed only one) and a "mass" in his stomach. He is going tomorrow morning for an endoscopic biopsy in Chapel Hill (which is a very good medical community). There is a possibilty that it is cancer, and while I am def freaked out at that possibilty, I am more upset that he is hoping for cancer as a way for him to die. He desperatly needs help, but wont take it (I went and found a mental health clinic in his area) He wants to die so bad and I dont know what to do...I dont know what to do about any of it....How do you help someone that doesnt want help?

I am still here. Just not doing too well...even though I am not commenting much, I am still reading blogs and Dan I promise to email you back soon (I havent forgotten you!) I am just useless right now....but I will write more later....

Thank you so much everyone for your comments....I wonder what the best career choice would be for someone like us? What is something that will provide alot of money so we can afford our meds, and enough time off to deal with the days that the meds dont work? and something that we dont have to concentrate on for long periods of time, and yet still stimulate us? and that doesnt involve alot of college. And that doesnt deal with people too often....
maybe I could be president? LOL
any suggestions? What are some jobs that have made you happy?

Well this just sucks. Today I turn 28. and I have been looking forward to this day for a bit (I love a day that is all about me, conceited I know). Jamie is making me a champagne brunch in a bit and we are just going to relax and do whatever I want. Well I am in the middle of a severe depression and anxiety attack. No idea if I am freaking out about my b-day, or if its just the lovely bipolar that seems to take over my body at inappropriate times. Of course it seems to always be there lurking, but some days are worse than others. And then the whole b-day thing. This is not where I wanted to be in life. I should have a better job, more stability, less debt, just be able to stand on my feet a little more. I know that the illness causes setbacks to some degree with all this, and most days I am ok with the fact that I have to do things a little diffrent than most to get by in life. I guess I am also still coming to terms with the fact that I even have this. I get diffrent diagnoses every time I go to the doc. PTSD, ADD, atypical depression, bipolar II, whatever. Still trying to find a fucking medication that doesnt give me horrid side effects and yet is affective.
I just thought that by now, I would at least have health insurance, a retirement plan, an idea of what I am good at for a career and be on my way to acheiving it. But no, everytime I try to go back to school I end up dropping out, because I cant finish anything I start. and I need to finish dammit!! I need to get my degree, although I change my mind almost daily about what I want to major in. Life is just so fucking hard. and why cant I get myself togeather?? It seems that everyone I read on these blogs are in careers that require school and/or training, how do you guys do it? How do you even know what you want to do that wont bore you to tears a few months into it? I know I dont want to do massage therapy anymore, its too hard on my body, and I am still so freaked out about the episode the other day with that creepy guy. Uggggg....well I am going to try to put a smile on and get through the day....

woo hoo!!! Jamie just got home and let me open one of my presents early...its The Fray's CD :-) I have been wanting this forever....He also ordered XM satelitte radio for me, and I am waiting on pins and needles for it to come in, it shipped yesterday :-) Damn he is good to me, I sooo dont deserve it, He has about 8 other presents for tomorrow, plus a champagne brunch...I am the luckiest girl in the world!!

Maybe I am not bipolar...maybe I am just reacting to my birthday :-)

Your Birthdate: August 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride. Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing. When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it. It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious. Your strength: Your warm heart Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions Your power color: Black Your power symbol: Musical note Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I have been doing massage therapy for 5 years. My employer at the Bed and Breakfast wants to offer massage to guests. Great fine, more money for me. I did my first one today. I want to puke. I have been doing this long enough to feild all the inappropriate questions regarding the profession and have handled things fine, until today. I had a "guest" that has been staying at the B&B for the past 2 days with his wife. He wanted a half hour massage on his back. About 10 min into it, he says "I am going to be honest, I am soo excited right now" I stopped and said "stop that right now, or I will leave" He says "so that means I cant touch you?" I then pressed my finger onto a painful pressure point and said "no". He then spends the rest of the time talking to me like nothing was ever said. I finish his back and leave the room. I go downstairs to my boss and tell her what happened. She is horrified. I told her I never have had to deal with such blatent questions in my career. Thank god the "guests" are leaving tomorrow....I could not even look at his wife the rest of the day, that poor thing. He is a short, fat, balding man too...gross...I am going to go take a scalding hot shower....ewwww....

I went off cymbalta last week due to horrible side effects, the downside is that the depression has come back full force. It takes all my energy just to go work. Although I am reading blogs everyday, I just cant type much right now....I started Prozac (again) so hopefully it will kick in sooner rather than later....I hate this.

I think my blogger is broken...hopefully this will post :-)
I am sooo tired! I started my new job today (awoke at 5:30am!) I am a new manager of a local bed and breakfest. Total fluke of course, i have no experiance in hotel type settings. It is owned by a husband and wife and they just liked my personality so much they hired me! It is HARD work, running around all day, the phone ringing off the hook, people checking in and checking out. The house is beautiful, built in 1876 right on the water. I think the furniture indoors is worth more than the house! They own a piano built in 1835 that is a "grand square" They did not make too many, so it is a huge treasure. I wont be needing a stairmaster anymore thats for sure! and it is very casual, jeans and t-shirt. And they feed me breakfast and lunch (I feel like I am getting the better deal!) They have a son in a very popular show on Broadway (I LOVE theatre) and the owner and I sat and talked about all the legends that she has met through her sons career....we seem to get along sooo well. They are also really cool about the hours if I need to go to doc (I did not tell them about the BP, but I had to leave for an appt today) So I am going to bed and pass out, I will promise to visit blogs during the weekend....thank you so much for all your thoughts!!!!

I got a job today! I was hired on the spot!!! Cant write right now, too busy dancing on the walls!!!! Will write with details later!!!

http://www.dcroe.com/2996/

Still trying to figure out how to upload the tribute graphic to my sidebar....but in the meantime, sign up for this worthy memorial....

Just got off the phone with the doc...explained all the side effects, he said to stop taking cymbalta immediatly. Take Benedryl to help with the itching. I go back to see him on Friday. To try again to find the right one....ugggg......

Still looking for a job. A company called me the other day and wants me to interview. But its an hour away, the entire drive is on this 2 lane road. A temp agency called yesterday and wants to submit my resume for a job here in town (and its more money than the job an hour away) so Jamie and I talked and we are going to see if the one in town shows intrest. If not, then I will go to the one an hour away. But the thing is, the hours are 10-7, so that would take up most of my day and when would I go to the dr? Also, the ac in my car decided to go on vacation so that must be factored in. Perfect situation is if I get the one in town. the hours are 8-4:30. Keep in your thoughts!

side effects of Cymbalta thus far:
headache whenever I stand up or move around
insomnia (dont know if thats me or the med)
itchy skin
weakness in my left arm (WTF???)
increase in my restless leg at night
panic attacks in the morning (me or the med?)
I have drank a gallon (literally) of water every day I am so thirsty
restroom problems (TMI, sorry)

And I read that getting off this is REALLY PAINFUL.
And people with bipolar SHOULDNT TAKE IT

What the hell am I doing to my body??? What kind of damage am I doing by trying all these meds??? I know I cant be without something, the depression is too severe, but damn its frustrating!!!! Why cant I just be normal???

Sometimes I think the worst part of the illness is the frustration at not being able to say anything that will help another person with it, other than the "hang in there" "it will pass" "breathe" and other encouragements...We all know firsthand how shitty the depression is and how there is nothing but darkness. How nothing helps. How I feel inadequete spouting such words in my effort to be supportive. I dont feel it is enough. I literally ache for the blogs I am reading and the pain that I am so familiar with. And there is nothing I can do to make it better. Nothing I can say. So for Chalexa, Kansas, Cherlee, Pheonix, Scattered, Titania, and everyone else that is pain, even though I cant find the words to help, you are in my thoughts and I desperatly wish that there was something I could do to decrease the cloud of pain that it seems we are cursed with. But with that curse does come the fact that it is a cycle. So even though it is an everyday struggle, there will be a day where the light comes back. Even if it is just a glimpse. Hang in there till it comes.

I learned an important lesson yesterday: I cannot drink wine under any circumstances. For many years I self medicated (a bottle of wine a night). About 6 months ago I realized what I was doing (I am a little slow) and restricted myself to sharing 1 bottle with Jamie on Sat nights (2 glasses each)....its gotten to be a nice routine, we have a "picnic" on the floor with cheese, bread and wine. So Sat night like any other we set everything up and I had my 2 glasses. and OH MY GOD when I woke up yesterday I felt as if I had 3 bottles!
So I will be back to drinking water all the time like every other night. Which isnt really a bad thing. But I was always so proud of myself to overcome everyday drinking and Sat nights were just a treat.....oh well....
The Cymbalta seems to be going ok I think....the only side effects are ringing in the ears, and itchy skin sometimes....I have not felt any benefits of it yet, but still hoping.....
Still looking for a damn job.....That will help my mental state sooo much......I have been working since I was 14 and during HS I had 2 jobs....Actually most of life I have had 2 jobs until these past 2 years. Getting employment has never been hard for me....but so many jobs now require credit checks (not really their business) and my credit is shot ( I have no control when I am manic). But just because I am irresponsiable with my money, doesnt mean that I will be with yours. When dealing with business funds I actually end up saving money for the company by being so diligent. Once I get employment I am going to go to one of those credit counseling places and get help (can anyone recomeend a reputable one?)
There are so many things I want to do and getting a job is the means to achieve them. Catch 22 you know? I know I am blessed to have Jamie providing for me while I am in a bad place, but I wonder what is the reason I have been out of work so long?

Whew....its been quite a "bipolar" week.....I have been writing only when I am emotional lately (not a good idea) therfore you all get to experiance my insecurity, paranoia, self loathing, anger, mood swinging like a chandelier moments...sooo embarrasing.... Thanks for bearing with me......
I started the new med today and I know you are not supposed to feel better after the first day, but I am actually feeling ok for the first time in a week.....so I am hopeful :-)
Ol lady, I think I owe you some royalty money...as I was waiting for the doc the other day in the waiting room a lady was talking to me about her experiance in this program. We started talking about my last doc and how he talked down to me and had no patient manner, her eyes got wide in agreement, she thought she was the only one he treated that way (even the receptionist agreed, which made me feel good) and I made the comment "I am crazy, not stupid!" Everyone cracked up. It was actually quite liberating to be able to admit it in public. I can count on one hand the people that know about the diagnosis with me. I dont show any outward signs, I can hold my own in any environment and am known for having a smile on my face. So it was nice to let go of that mask even for just a moment.
Which brings another problem.....A man walked later (I waited an hour to see the doc) and started talking to me....he had just gotten out of the hospital and moved to my small town to live with his mom while he got back on his feet....He is there mainly for depression and suicidal tendiencies....he knows no one and asked if he could give me his number and maybe we could talk...this wasnt like any "hit on" situation I had ever been in. He seemed so lost and lonely....I told him ok, that I was looking into diffrent support groups and that I would call if any came up....I also made it clear about Jamie and I am off the market (feels good to say that!) he said that was fine, he just wanted to talk to someone that would understand. If I find support groups I will call, but I am not actively looking right now, and I dont want to run into him at the center, I get the sense he would be one of the types to call all the time and I would feel responsiable and blah, blah, blah...all that stuff. Cant deal with with it.....I will talk to my therapist about it Mon, maybe I can finally get a response from her!
Anyway, thanks for all your comments during my psychotic week.....your words always mean so much to me.....

well since a miracle happened and my father is helping my brother, I decided to stay home this weekend.

As of tomorrow, I am going off Strattera and the doc is putting me on Cymbalta. He wants to do one med at a time, before putting me on a mood stabilizer. Of course he gives me a brand new drug that I cant afford, but thank god he had some samples.....

off to bed....will try life again tomorrow

So I want to apologize. My past few posts have been nothing but anger and bitterness at my life. I am so upset all the time and my optimism has disappeared. My g-ma is sick and G-pa cant let me borrow the truck to pack up brothers stuff. My aunt is out of town. My father is good for nothing. My mom is thousands of miles away. My brain is about to shatter. and I am scared. I have been scared so much. of my brother committing suicide, of me never getting well. The ONLY support that I have in this is you guys. Jamie tries, but I know in the back of his mind he doesnt even believe in bipolar. And I feel that I am no good. I feel that I have nothing to offer anyone. That I am using the new friends that I have met on this blog to keep my head up, but am unable to help them. Please know how appreicative I am, even when I sound like an ungrateful bitch.

update: A bloody miracle happened. My father is renting a Uhaul and driving it to pick up my brother and move him. I get to stay home. This is first nice gesture my father has ever done. Its amazing.

Jamie was married for 10 years.....2 years ago they seperated, 6 months ago they divorced....she is still a part of his life (her boyfriend was the real estate agent that sold us this house). I am moody, irritable, and insecure. Therefore, him talking to her and not telling me upsets me. Upsets me more when he does not include me in his plans. But whatever, I am disapointed in him.

but the main point I want to make....I may not be writing for a few days...I got a call from my brother, he needs someone to help him move to Raliegh. He lives in Greensboro. I live 4 hours away from Greensboro. My ac in my car conked out. It is 500 degrees out. And so this is my schedule for the next few days: Dr appt at 10:30, hopefully get out around 11. off to grocery store to get stuff for chicken soup for neighbor. go home make soup (crock pot). pack. Drive to Greensboro. Pack up his stuff, go to aunts house 30 min away. stay there tomorrow night. Borrow grandpa's truck. drive to Raleigh (1.5 hours away). drive back to aunts house. spend b-day money on gas for this whole trip. Drive home Sunday. Pass out and go to therapy on Mon.
Considering my condition right now, I know this is dumb and I will pay dearly....but I have to help. I cant NOT help.....
so I will not be writing, but I am ok (I think) Even though Jamie does not want me to go...maybe getting away would be a good thing...
Please keep me your thoughts......

feel free to bill me for all drug info given :-) I have a few pennies I could send out.... LOL

So you guys are offically AWESOME for sending me info.....Feel free to pat yourselves on the back for helping a broken girl......

my next door neighbor came over today...she lost the baby.....I had a miscarriage myself 3 years ago and I would not wish the pain on anyone.....I am so frustrated that I cant just wave my magic wand and make her feel better....I am going to make home made chicken soup for her after I get back from the doc tomorrow...I wish I could do more....

and then Jamie gets home and soo out of character asks me "why are you so pissy? are you going to be difficult tonight?" WTF??? He never says shit like that...maybe I am hurting for my neighbor you jackass???? Maybe I am just in a bad mood, since I have a MOOD DISORDER you dumb fuck! I am doing my gdamn best. your ex wife's b-day was Mon and you just had to call her (and not mention it to me) and email your friend (that I also know) to remind him about her b-day, but not MINE in 2 weeks.....yes, I am a bit irritated...And on Sat, you decide to drive an hour away from home to visit your EX in laws....how much understanding do I need to deal with??? You have no kids with her, no joint assets...why dont you let go??? Because he is a kind man, his inlaws were always nice to him...blah, blah, blah....GRRRRRR........

Ok guys: everyone that reads this is being recruited...here is the game. I will list EVERY med I have ever tried. If there is one not on the list that works, where you have had positive personal experience with, please share. And I am thinking of trying Seroquel, but does it cause you to gain weight because you eat more? or does it change your metabolism? Any info will be greatly appreciated before I go the doc tomorrow at 10:30am (EST)

Effexor - allergic reaction
Celexa - no reaction
Prozac - stopped working after 6 months
Wellbutrin - suicidial thoughts
Lexapro - flat feeling
Neurotin - No reaction
Xanax - love it for emergency panic attacks
hydroxyzine - allergic reaction
stattera - still trying it
zoloft - suicidial thoughts
Lamictal - REALLY itchy skin after 2 dose
Lunesta - worked for 3 days then quit
Ambien - felt drunk, but not sleepy
SAMe - caused panic attack

All of these I tried for at least 2 months (except the allerigic reaction ones) I am on Strattera and Xanax for emergencies. I need a mood stablizer (or antidepressant) and antipsychotic (yes, I am starting to see things out of the corner of my eye. Hallucination due to sleep deprivation maybe? I am scared to death!)
I also take Quinine Sulfate for Restless Legs at night as needed.
Well there is my mediciane cubby for all to see.......Never listed these publically, feeling kinda vulnerable, but I really need help from people that have gone through this themselves.

So I wasnt going to write anymore tonight....but I am mad as hell! This afternoon about 6pm I was lying in bed with a neck wrap trying to calm my head. Jamie knew this. He was in the living room gettin ready to cook me dinner (awww). And then there is a knock on the door. 2 men come barrelling into our home and announcing at the top of their lungs that they were going to cure all our cleaning needs. I almost screamed with the pain and I was in the other room. yes, Jamie let 2 Kirby Vaccum Salesmen in our house while I was dying in bed. I came out of the bedroom and asked them to please keep it down, I wasnt feeling well.....I was thinking this would take all of 5 min for Jamie to tell them we were not interested. 30 min later......I am pissed off. I go out there and tell them both that I have been generous and given you 30 min in my house to sell your crap and if Jamie didnt buy it by now, he wasnt going to and I am not well and need to eat dinner so pack your shit and get out of my house! I am usually docile and polite in most settings. Not today. I made an emergency appt with my new psychiatric PA for Friday. Please pray you dont see me on the evening news before then, victim of brain explosion.

Just too fucked up to write today...have the shakes, am ok, just have nothing to say, busy trying to keep my head from exploding.