I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
Dealing with bipolar
Dealing with Panic
Dealing with not being able to breathe because my heart is pounding of panic.
Taking meds so I can get just 4 pitiful hours of sleep.
Not being able to function
Being grateful that I only work 4 hours a day. I just couldnt handle any more hours.
Have a doc that doesnt LISTEN to what I am saying.
Feeling like a such a fucking burden to Jamie. He says no, but still......
Having no hope to get better...it seems like even people on meds are still having to deal with the moods and depression and anxiety.....
Praying to God to have mercy and let me go to sleep like a normal person
Interrupting people constantly, because if I dont, I will forget what I need to tell them
Grrrr....I am so sick of this!!!

*disclaimer: dont worry, I am pissed, but not suicidial.

WOO HOO!!! yes, thats my ass folks....actually right below my hip on the side....THIS IS A VERY CLOSE UP SHOT. My butt does not look this big in reality. Jamie was enjoying the day of me running around in my thong though :-) I had just gotten it done about 30 min prior to this pic...its not as red anymore and the purple is alot brighter....

hmmm...I am feeling quite exposed..

.....on to other fabulous news:

Anyone that doubts the power of prayer or positive thought, keep reading:

Brother went to have some pre-op tests done at Duke on Friday....they found that the cancer tumor is shrinking!! So they are going to wait 2 more weeks to see if it continues and then do to the procedure...In a perfect world, it will shrink and go away and no surgery!! Personally I think everyone here that has offered so much positive thoughts is the reason he is having this miraculous shrinkage :-) Words cannot express how grateful I am, and would love to kiss all of your feet (after you clean them of course) :-)

I start my class tonight, so wish me luck......

well I was trying to post a pic of the tat for your viewing pleasure, but nothing is working. It feels like a small bad sunburn , but other than that all is well :-)

so much of my emotions are internal synapses misfiring in my brain. Until today. My neighbor came over this afternoon after getting her first tattoo. I decided right then I wanted one (I have none). The feeling of expectations, the rush of such an outward experience was overwhelming. So I called Jamie to ask if we had an extra $25. He said yes and came home, picked me and my neighbor up to ride to the tattoo shop. I have always known what I wanted, but never could decide where on my body to put it. I liked where neighbor had hers, so I decided the same place. We get to the shop, I am shaking with nerves...but exhilerated at the same time than I am doing something "normal" people do and am experiencing the same emotions. The guy was great that did it, the shop was clean and sterile. 7 minutes later I am done. I am a leo. the astrological sign is a lions tail. So I got that on my hip area. I LOVE IT! I think I may have loved the fact of living to do something like this as much as getting the tattoo. Doing something other than shopping or some other bullshit to prove I am alive and am able to feel such emotions outside of my head. Priceless.

so I havent written for a bit....things have been crazy (literally) my moods have not been stable at all for the past 2 weeks...either busy painting my house, or sitting on the couch unable to move or being so pissed off I couldnt see straight. My mom was here all last week visiting back and forth between here and my brothers new home in Raleigh. When she was here, we completly redid the kitchen, bathrooms, and one of the bedrooms. I would get off of work and come home to a "list" LOL. Until Friday. Friday I lost my job. I dont feel like getting into the particulars, I feel too embarrased and shameful. Because I was there less than 90 days so I dont qualify for unemployment. So its back to the drawing board. I cant believe all this. It seems the past 4 years my entire work life has gone downhill. I used to work for a huge companies with benefits and a nice office. Now I am going to an interview this afternoon to work at a deli. This new practice of checking your credit before being hired is ridiculous. A local huge chain of home improvement stores even checks credit. I can understand criminal background, but damn! I fell into the classic bipolar trap of shopping therapy and fucked myself when I couldnt pay the minimums. when I had a good job I was able to keep afloat, but since I moved back to the south, I barely have enough money to eat. Thank god for Jamie and his being able to afford the household bills and a few necessities of mine, such as car insurance and cell phone bill. But I made this financial mess and me alone must get out of it. Once I start working again I am going to go to a credit counseling place. Hopefully find a reputable one. I did sign up to take a course in medical coding and billing that starts next Mon. Hopefully that will enable me to find a job that doesnt check credit and allows me enough money to get out of this financial wreak.

As for my brother, thank you all for your prayers and support. He is scheduled on Tues to have surgery at Duke. The cancer was caught early enough that he may not have to have chemo (thank god). His mindset has GREATLY improved. Alot of his friends have come out to show support and that helps him immensly. I also believe the prayers helped too....so I thank all of you. I will update on him after Tues. If you wouldnt mind, say a little prayer for me....while Brother is in surgery, I am going to be in the waiting room with my mom, dad, and stepmom (mom and stepmom have never met, but talk shit about each other all the time) Its kinda dad and stepmom against mom....oh the drama. I told both of them I would be in the corner eating pez candy (or xanax!LOL) I refuse to deal with petty shit when my brother is having invasive surgery! Brother is already laughing at me having to deal with all this while he is sedated..I told him just wait...when he wakes up all 4 of us will be the first faces he sees :-)
more later....

Susan M. Pollio
World Trade Center


A Heart for HelpingAt Thanksgivings, Susan Pollio would get up from the table and announce, "I have to go see a friend." After she died, her family learned that she had been going into Manhattan to feed the homeless in soup kitchens.Ms. Pollio, 45, a broker at Euro Brokers who lived in Beach Haven, N.J., was always offering to help out. Sometimes this benefited her, like when she was a young secretary at a brokerage firm and a broker called in sick. Ms. Pollio offered to fill in for the day and began a career.Mostly, though, Ms. Pollio, whose early marriage was annulled and who never remarried, seemed to live to help others. She organized a prayer service at a church in the financial district for a colleague's daughter who had a brain tumor. When the priest backed out at the last second, Ms. Pollio got up and led the service herself. "I used to tease her," her friend Karen Kelly said: "If she had any flaw, it was that she was too nice. If a bird was in the middle of the road, she'd stop and get it."Ms. Pollio's generous impulses outlived her. Ms. Kelly had mentioned that her husband was training for a triathlon and was having problems keeping his energy up. A few days after Sept. 11, he got a book in the mail from Ms. Pollio on dieting for athletes. Ms. Kelly's sister received a package, too — of clothes that Ms. Pollio had outgrown. "It was spooky," Ms. Kelly said.
Profile published in THE NEW YORK TIMES on February 12, 2002.


Susan Pollio, 45, attained her dream jobWhen the World Trade Center was bombed in 1993, Susan Pollio of Jersey City walked down to safety from the 84th floor of the South Tower. Although not physically injured, she was covered with soot and disoriented."She was traumatized by that," said her mother, Phyllis Pollio, also of Jersey City.So when terrorists crashed two jetliners into the World Trade Center towers on Sept. 11, Ms. Pollio made a quick telephone call to her mother telling her she was going to leave the building -- but then decided against retracing her steps of eight years earlier.It was that decision that sealed her fate. Ms. Pollio, 45, a bond trader with Euro Brokers, perished when the World Trade Center collapsed.Ms. Pollio, who stayed at her Jersey Shore home on Long Beach Island the weekend before the Tuesday attack, made two calls to her mother's answering machine on that morning.In the first message, she said she was planning to stay that night at her mother's house.The second message, mere seconds long and spoken in a shaky voice, came shortly after the attack. "She's telling me, 'Don't worry, I'm okay, I'm evacuating,' " her mother said.Because of mixed signals about how to respond to the attack, her daughter apparently changed her mind, Phyllis Pollio said. "She decided to stay on."After months of being reported as missing, Ms. Pollio's body was recovered Wednesday, her mother said."It's a miracle," Phyllis Pollio said. "I had mixed emotions. I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. But as time has gone on, I have closure. But in a situation like this, how are you to feel?"The job near the top of the Twin Towers was very much a dream realized, her mother said. A graduate of St. Anthony High School in Jersey City, Ms. Pollio began as a secretary at Euro Brokers about 15 years ago."One day, a broker was out sick, and they gave her that chance," her mother said, explaining how her daughter won her job as bond broker. "She proved herself well, and she remained there."The challenge, and the healthy pay, kept her excited about working there, Pollio added.When not working, Ms. Pollio enjoyed helping out at her church, St. Francis of Assisi on Long Beach Island. The church held charity runs, and Ms. Pollio was often there, handing out water to the runners.Ms. Pollio also had a passion for the environment, and a conviction against smoking."Her father was a chimney smoker," her mother said. He died when Ms. Pollio was in her 20s, and the experience of her father's death prompted her crusade against smoking.In addition to complaining in person about smoke in restaurants, Ms. Polio wrote letters to newspaper editors, her mother said.Most of all, she built relationships. "She loved her family," Pollio said. "Her treasures were her family and friends."Born in Jersey City, she resided there her entire life. She was married briefly, but the marriage was annulled, her mother said.In addition to her mother, Ms. Pollio is survived by two sisters, Joyce Oxley of Toms River and Sandra Gonzales of Indianapolis, Ind.
Profile by George Berkin published in THE STAR-LEDGER.


This is most detailed information I have found on this exceptional woman. Unfortantly, her life was tragically cut short on that horrid day. The world was a better place for having her in it, even for a short time. May she be an example to all of us, to strive for acts of kindness and unselfishness.

Oh the joys of tropical storm Ernesto. Winds knocking debris everywhere, power outages, flooding.....The B&B Iwork for had a window blow out (it was one of the original windows from the 1800's) and the kitchen flooded. The ceiling leaked and flooded....What a mess. The wind is still gusting about 60mph. But everyone is safe and thats all that really matters. I almost cried last night though (before the power went out) when I was watching the news...they were interviewing an older lady in a storm shelter and she said that she lived alone and had nervous problems that she was on medication for, and went to shelter to feel safe. I wanted to go there and get here and keep her safe here.
well I am off to work, will write an update on Brother this evening. I go my pdoc today also, so I will have plenty to write about....