whew...things have been crazy...not the crazy I am used to, but normal busy crazy. What started as part time work at the deli has turned into 10 hour days due to massive catering. Driving all over New Bern to deliver and set up lunch. Whats funny is my pdoc and therpaist work for the same company in the same building and I had to do a catering for them the other day. I walk in and the receptionist smiles says my name how are you etc....my boss was right next to me! I said hello I am here to deliver a catered lunch, where do we need to set up? She realized then oops! My boss didnt even notice. Although he could be hit over the head with a brick and wouldnt notice :-) I have not done any ghost walks this week...my next one is Sunday. Jamie and I fought all week too (esp Monday night) so that has been draining, but I think things will work out and we will be back to normal soon. I was reading Jane's blog and she made mention of Mercury in Retrograde. The major hardship being communication during this cycle. I can def see that happening. It seems everyone is fighting due to lack of or miscommunication. I was talking to a good friend last night and was reminded of the fact that the moon is what pulls the tides. Our bodies are made of 80% water, so I def think there is some merit to the fact that I go nuts ever full moon and this whole mercury in retrograde thing. And I dont feel like writing. I feel like holeing up and doing crafts and just wanting some alone time. I have been thinking of a few things...what I want to do with my life etc....I think I want my own shop...small, cozy, intimate atmosphere with coffee, books, gifts...I have been having some ideas for jewlery with precious stones such as amethyst, pearls, etc.....I have almost all the stuff to do it, I just have to spend maybe $100 to get some more supplies. Who knows what will happen. I am just having a ton of ideas.......

well, as always, the pain calms and things get "normal" again.....these cycles suck!!!
I am not going to have alot of time from now until x-mas to deal with this shit. I was approached yesterday for a second job being a tour guide for a ghostwalk here in our historic downtown. It is a year round tour, and the money will be easy and nice.....I was also told that I could sell my crafts at the deli for x-mas too :-) Things are looking up again I think.....I am going on Sat to see my brother and how he is doing. Right now he is working at a haunted house at night, so Jamie and I are going to go and check it out, then stay the night. Should be a fun time for all (hopefully). I start the ghost walk tomorrow night for training...I am so excited, it is said that the town I live in is one of the most haunted areas of NC....
Good thing this money is coming in too....We are flat broke and tons of bills are coming in...I have to pay mucho money to get my massage license renewed by Nov 1st....and of course my car inspection expires end of the month. Such is life....
Poor Jamie though, he is feeling a bit neglected with me doing all of this....but he is understanding and realizes it will all even out :-) At least we are hopeing it will....well I must go get on the torture machine (nordictrack) and try to get my ass smaller :-) I know I am not commenting on your blogs as much as I used to, but please everyone know that I am still reading and am so thankful to each of you for sharing your life online. Hugs to everyone!!!

Thanks so much for the info! As for me, I am having a bad bipolar episode. When I first took the Requip, I felt really weird, but I slept like a baby. It was wonderful. Then on Tues night, I started to go back to the insomnia and panic attacks....which then proceeded to get worse by each night. And I was in considerable pain from the workout. I think I am going to go a little slower, maybe not kill myself so much on it. So for the past 2 full days I have had head pressure (which some could be due to the drastic weather change of the barametric pressure) and panic all day long. I took a xanax last night with the requip and still did not get to sleep until 1am. I just keep telling myself to hang on. I have a call in the doc, I broke down and started crying on Fri being so sick and tired of being sick and tired. a small pity party for one. Jamie took it well (he hates to see me cry) and just held me for awhile. But I am just soo tired of all this shit! Not being able to function with people and situations. I want to go back to school full time, but worry that I wont be able to do it. I have alot to do today and hopefully I will have some time to do some crafts (I am finding that it helps sometimes). I have my first test tomorrow night for that one class that I am taking....I am the biggest procrastinator so I have to force myself to study today. The post may not make sense, but I have to get all this out.....

Does anyone know anything about narcissistic personlity disorder? Someone close to me (not Jamie) was diagnosed with it a few days ago....Any comments would be appreciated.
BTW- I am still in pain!!! When will it end???? damn nordictrack. my butt better get small in a hurry!!

I hurt!!! I had this great idea yesterday to do (what felt like) 1,000 min on the nordictrack and a pilates DVD....I can barely move....and then I thought it would be a good idea to it again today when I got home from work! I am apprently a bit masochistic.....!!!!!

Hoo-Rah....Just got back from Parris Island, SC for Jamie's godson's graduation from Marine Corp Bootcamp. Godson had stayed with us right before he went in. I could not believe the change in him this visit. It is taking him a little while to adjust not being yelled at 24/7. And he lost so much weight! But it was a great time. We stayed in the house where Forrest Gump was filmed right on the water....It was beautiful. There is an albino dolphin that roams the waters there, but unfortunatly we did not see it. I did ok.....Had some panic with the crowds at graduation, but nothing major, I got through it. On the last day we went and had brunch at a wonderful resturant, but I did not make it all the way through. Had to leave, started breathing weird, heart pounding etc...It is so damn embarrasing!!! But thank god, Jamies friends were understanding about it. We never told them about the bipolar. I just said I have panic attacks occasionally. On the drive back, we stopped at South of the Border. It is hard to explain what it is...a huge sombraro roadside stop, with fireworks (which we bought) and cheap trinkets. We found out later that for $99, we could have gotten married, stayed in the honeymoon suite, and had access to the Pleasure Dome. I was scared to ask what exactly what the Pleasure Dome is LOL. I dont think I want to know. But now I am back home. Same ol same ol...back to the grind. The requip seems to be doing ok, it is def fixing my restless leg stuff at night. But I am needing more sleep. Jamie says I am sleeping better during the night too... Not feeling any depression. some anxiety though...but that may be situational and not med related. Who knows....it has not slowed my thoughts though (which is what we were hoping) and I feel ansy sometimes. Right after I take it, sometimes I get a rush to my brain (its hard to describe). but if I get up and move around it seems to help. I go back to the dr tomorrow for a check up on it....

Off to Holiday!!! Have a great weekend everyone! Will return on Sunday :-)

well, another day, another dollar. Went to walmart and got my Requip...heres hoping for success! I was reading online somewhere (I never know where I end up when I am surfing) and I found an article saying that people with bipolar benefit from paint by numbers. It helps you focus in short incriments supposedly. Well I have not done that since I was little and I sucked then too, if I recall...anyway, I saw a kit for $4 at walmart that was the chinease symbol for hope. So I got it. We will see....I will give it to Jamie for christmas if it comes out ok...god knows he needs hope dealing with me LOL. I am def going to get back into crafts after I get back from "holiday" I make christmas ornaments usually, but didnt last year because the depression was just too ugly.
Well Jamie will be home soon, we have a ritual on Tues nights where we go to Dairy Queen and eat ice cream for dinner....
2 days till "holiday"!!!!!!

What a day...I am soo keyed up right now, prob because I have been on the go since this morning....let me share my day:
Got up, went to do some shopping for the deli and then went to work. Where we got SLAMMED for lunch (which is good) and about 2 while I am cleaning up we get a phone for a catering tomorrow. 22 people. I have my pdoc appt at 3:30 so I am thinking "ok, I can handle this" 25 thousand messes later, (but real pretty food) I am heading off to the doc. I have a therapy appt at 4 which is in the same office, so I have my book and I wait. and I wait. and I wait some more. well, it is now 4 and my therapist is wandering the halls looking for me. Since no one is around while I am waiting for the dr, we decide to have my session in the hallway. 1 hr and 15 after my appt that was set at 3:30, The doc comes out. I say goodbye to my therapist and go in to the doc. He asks me how I am doing and all that stuff.....I tell him, and he says exactly what I was thinking. The prozac is causing my panic. Well, I have tried all the SSRI's and none of them work, so we started talking about what was left. I mentioned that I have restless leg syndrome and that some research I found is saying that it is caused by a dopamine problem. Well he told me that he has had some good results giving scrips for the new RLS drug Requip for depression and ADD. So I am now on a trial (1 week) of Requip. At the least hopefully I will be able to sleep without all the leg twitching. Oh happy day. So I go home for an hour to scarf down some food and smooch Jamie before leaving again for school. I have some bad news. Apprently the FDA is trying to ban the free samples that drs give away to patients, because the drs abuse them. This is not good. My teacher informed us of this and it started this 2 hour dicussion on the american health care system. So we really didnt get alot of learning done. More of a bitchfest. But whatever. Its over and I am home and watching mindless tv...off to walmart in the morning to fill my script (its the cheapest price I have found for meds) even though every time I go in there I feel that my soul is being sucked out of me...but hey, I am on a budget. Wish me luck :-)

After talking to a friend for hours today, I am finally feeling better.....I need to start writing more regularly. This is such therapy and I need to utilize it more. I am watching 60 min right now, they are having a segment on a surgery for depression. A pacemaker for the brain in a way. Its still experimental, but its wonderful that the research is going on...Wow...it would be great if I could have a surgery and be garenteed success and "normalcy". But that will be years away, maybe after I am dead. That would be my luck...70 years of struggle on Earth and then the day after I die, the breakthrough cure happens! Well, just keep hoping I guess :-) I have a pdoc appt tomorrow (thank god) and I stopped taking the prozac today. I really think it is causing the daily panic attacks. I do know its a Xanax night, but I can sit here and type and focus and not have to take it yet. I have some work to do before tomorrow (I am in charge of payroll, catering, and inventory, and I created excel sheets to organize everything. the business is a mess as it is!) I know its just a little deli, but it makes me feel useful, and I get to use my bipolar in a productive way (4,000 ideas in 3 min flat!)

I am going on a "holiday" (LOL) on Thurs. I think all Americans should call vacations holidays. It sounds so much better. Anyway, Jamie's godson is graduating from Marine Corp Boot Camp and we are going. I will be meeting Jamie's "adopted" family for the first time (Yikes!) I met the godson right before he went to boot camp, but I will now be meeting the whole family. Cant forget the Xanax. the graduation is a huge outdoor stadium. Oh boy. But it should be fun, they rented the beachhouse that was portrayed as Bubba's homeplace in the movie Forrest Gump. It really is just a small cabin, but its right on the water, really pretty. I need a break away from here and my life :-) Hopefully all will go well and I wont make an ass out of myself :-)

Havent been able to write lately...Having panic attacks almost constantly...thank god I go to the pdoc tomorrow...maybe Prozac is causing this???? I am just a big mess.......