Musings of a bipolar punkin

2006-12-16T09:13:00.000-05:00

Wow...I didnt realize it had been so long since last I wrote.....Sorry about that...So much has happened......My head is still having its ups and downs, but I finally figured out a good way to handle it...keep as busy as I possibly can and wear myself out :-) Not the healthiest choice, but it seems to be working wether I want to be busy or not! I got a new job, I am working now as a jewelry consultant (sales) I love it, but hate working retail at X-mas....Jamie for the month of Dec has had to work 2nd shift which SUCKS! But the day before thanksgiving he proposed :-) Its only 9am and this is the first moment I have had to myself and I am exhausted....I have some family coming to visit today and tomorrow I am going to go see my father (blah). And then starts the week before x-mas at the store....11 hour days starting Mon with no breaks (they are bringing lunch in) and it is for 7 days in a row!!! I hope I do ok.....Hope all is well with all of you, I still am reading your blogs when I can.......

2006-10-27T09:14:00.000-04:00

whew...things have been crazy...not the crazy I am used to, but normal busy crazy. What started as part time work at the deli has turned into 10 hour days due to massive catering. Driving all over New Bern to deliver and set up lunch. Whats funny is my pdoc and therpaist work for the same company in the same building and I had to do a catering for them the other day. I walk in and the receptionist smiles says my name how are you etc....my boss was right next to me! I said hello I am here to deliver a catered lunch, where do we need to set up? She realized then oops! My boss didnt even notice. Although he could be hit over the head with a brick and wouldnt notice :-) I have not done any ghost walks this week...my next one is Sunday. Jamie and I fought all week too (esp Monday night) so that has been draining, but I think things will work out and we will be back to normal soon. I was reading Jane's blog and she made mention of Mercury in Retrograde. The major hardship being communication during this cycle. I can def see that happening. It seems everyone is fighting due to lack of or miscommunication. I was talking to a good friend last night and was reminded of the fact that the moon is what pulls the tides. Our bodies are made of 80% water, so I def think there is some merit to the fact that I go nuts ever full moon and this whole mercury in retrograde thing. And I dont feel like writing. I feel like holeing up and doing crafts and just wanting some alone time. I have been thinking of a few things...what I want to do with my life etc....I think I want my own shop...small, cozy, intimate atmosphere with coffee, books, gifts...I have been having some ideas for jewlery with precious stones such as amethyst, pearls, etc.....I have almost all the stuff to do it, I just have to spend maybe $100 to get some more supplies. Who knows what will happen. I am just having a ton of ideas.......

2006-10-18T15:58:00.000-04:00

well, as always, the pain calms and things get "normal" again.....these cycles suck!!!
I am not going to have alot of time from now until x-mas to deal with this shit. I was approached yesterday for a second job being a tour guide for a ghostwalk here in our historic downtown. It is a year round tour, and the money will be easy and nice.....I was also told that I could sell my crafts at the deli for x-mas too :-) Things are looking up again I think.....I am going on Sat to see my brother and how he is doing. Right now he is working at a haunted house at night, so Jamie and I are going to go and check it out, then stay the night. Should be a fun time for all (hopefully). I start the ghost walk tomorrow night for training...I am so excited, it is said that the town I live in is one of the most haunted areas of NC....
Good thing this money is coming in too....We are flat broke and tons of bills are coming in...I have to pay mucho money to get my massage license renewed by Nov 1st....and of course my car inspection expires end of the month. Such is life....
Poor Jamie though, he is feeling a bit neglected with me doing all of this....but he is understanding and realizes it will all even out :-) At least we are hopeing it will....well I must go get on the torture machine (nordictrack) and try to get my ass smaller :-) I know I am not commenting on your blogs as much as I used to, but please everyone know that I am still reading and am so thankful to each of you for sharing your life online. Hugs to everyone!!!

2006-10-15T11:02:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much for the info! As for me, I am having a bad bipolar episode. When I first took the Requip, I felt really weird, but I slept like a baby. It was wonderful. Then on Tues night, I started to go back to the insomnia and panic attacks....which then proceeded to get worse by each night. And I was in considerable pain from the workout. I think I am going to go a little slower, maybe not kill myself so much on it. So for the past 2 full days I have had head pressure (which some could be due to the drastic weather change of the barametric pressure) and panic all day long. I took a xanax last night with the requip and still did not get to sleep until 1am. I just keep telling myself to hang on. I have a call in the doc, I broke down and started crying on Fri being so sick and tired of being sick and tired. a small pity party for one. Jamie took it well (he hates to see me cry) and just held me for awhile. But I am just soo tired of all this shit! Not being able to function with people and situations. I want to go back to school full time, but worry that I wont be able to do it. I have alot to do today and hopefully I will have some time to do some crafts (I am finding that it helps sometimes). I have my first test tomorrow night for that one class that I am taking....I am the biggest procrastinator so I have to force myself to study today. The post may not make sense, but I have to get all this out.....

2006-10-13T10:03:00.000-04:00

Does anyone know anything about narcissistic personlity disorder? Someone close to me (not Jamie) was diagnosed with it a few days ago....Any comments would be appreciated.
BTW- I am still in pain!!! When will it end???? damn nordictrack. my butt better get small in a hurry!!

2006-10-11T22:23:00.000-04:00

I hurt!!! I had this great idea yesterday to do (what felt like) 1,000 min on the nordictrack and a pilates DVD....I can barely move....and then I thought it would be a good idea to it again today when I got home from work! I am apprently a bit masochistic.....!!!!!

2006-10-10T09:37:00.000-04:00

Hoo-Rah....Just got back from Parris Island, SC for Jamie's godson's graduation from Marine Corp Bootcamp. Godson had stayed with us right before he went in. I could not believe the change in him this visit. It is taking him a little while to adjust not being yelled at 24/7. And he lost so much weight! But it was a great time. We stayed in the house where Forrest Gump was filmed right on the water....It was beautiful. There is an albino dolphin that roams the waters there, but unfortunatly we did not see it. I did ok.....Had some panic with the crowds at graduation, but nothing major, I got through it. On the last day we went and had brunch at a wonderful resturant, but I did not make it all the way through. Had to leave, started breathing weird, heart pounding etc...It is so damn embarrasing!!! But thank god, Jamies friends were understanding about it. We never told them about the bipolar. I just said I have panic attacks occasionally. On the drive back, we stopped at South of the Border. It is hard to explain what it is...a huge sombraro roadside stop, with fireworks (which we bought) and cheap trinkets. We found out later that for $99, we could have gotten married, stayed in the honeymoon suite, and had access to the Pleasure Dome. I was scared to ask what exactly what the Pleasure Dome is LOL. I dont think I want to know. But now I am back home. Same ol same ol...back to the grind. The requip seems to be doing ok, it is def fixing my restless leg stuff at night. But I am needing more sleep. Jamie says I am sleeping better during the night too... Not feeling any depression. some anxiety though...but that may be situational and not med related. Who knows....it has not slowed my thoughts though (which is what we were hoping) and I feel ansy sometimes. Right after I take it, sometimes I get a rush to my brain (its hard to describe). but if I get up and move around it seems to help. I go back to the dr tomorrow for a check up on it....

2006-10-05T15:28:00.000-04:00

Off to Holiday!!! Have a great weekend everyone! Will return on Sunday :-)

2006-10-03T15:33:00.000-04:00

well, another day, another dollar. Went to walmart and got my Requip...heres hoping for success! I was reading online somewhere (I never know where I end up when I am surfing) and I found an article saying that people with bipolar benefit from paint by numbers. It helps you focus in short incriments supposedly. Well I have not done that since I was little and I sucked then too, if I recall...anyway, I saw a kit for $4 at walmart that was the chinease symbol for hope. So I got it. We will see....I will give it to Jamie for christmas if it comes out ok...god knows he needs hope dealing with me LOL. I am def going to get back into crafts after I get back from "holiday" I make christmas ornaments usually, but didnt last year because the depression was just too ugly.
Well Jamie will be home soon, we have a ritual on Tues nights where we go to Dairy Queen and eat ice cream for dinner....
2 days till "holiday"!!!!!!

2006-10-02T21:24:00.000-04:00

What a day...I am soo keyed up right now, prob because I have been on the go since this morning....let me share my day:
Got up, went to do some shopping for the deli and then went to work. Where we got SLAMMED for lunch (which is good) and about 2 while I am cleaning up we get a phone for a catering tomorrow. 22 people. I have my pdoc appt at 3:30 so I am thinking "ok, I can handle this" 25 thousand messes later, (but real pretty food) I am heading off to the doc. I have a therapy appt at 4 which is in the same office, so I have my book and I wait. and I wait. and I wait some more. well, it is now 4 and my therapist is wandering the halls looking for me. Since no one is around while I am waiting for the dr, we decide to have my session in the hallway. 1 hr and 15 after my appt that was set at 3:30, The doc comes out. I say goodbye to my therapist and go in to the doc. He asks me how I am doing and all that stuff.....I tell him, and he says exactly what I was thinking. The prozac is causing my panic. Well, I have tried all the SSRI's and none of them work, so we started talking about what was left. I mentioned that I have restless leg syndrome and that some research I found is saying that it is caused by a dopamine problem. Well he told me that he has had some good results giving scrips for the new RLS drug Requip for depression and ADD. So I am now on a trial (1 week) of Requip. At the least hopefully I will be able to sleep without all the leg twitching. Oh happy day. So I go home for an hour to scarf down some food and smooch Jamie before leaving again for school. I have some bad news. Apprently the FDA is trying to ban the free samples that drs give away to patients, because the drs abuse them. This is not good. My teacher informed us of this and it started this 2 hour dicussion on the american health care system. So we really didnt get alot of learning done. More of a bitchfest. But whatever. Its over and I am home and watching mindless tv...off to walmart in the morning to fill my script (its the cheapest price I have found for meds) even though every time I go in there I feel that my soul is being sucked out of me...but hey, I am on a budget. Wish me luck :-)

2006-10-01T20:06:00.000-04:00

After talking to a friend for hours today, I am finally feeling better.....I need to start writing more regularly. This is such therapy and I need to utilize it more. I am watching 60 min right now, they are having a segment on a surgery for depression. A pacemaker for the brain in a way. Its still experimental, but its wonderful that the research is going on...Wow...it would be great if I could have a surgery and be garenteed success and "normalcy". But that will be years away, maybe after I am dead. That would be my luck...70 years of struggle on Earth and then the day after I die, the breakthrough cure happens! Well, just keep hoping I guess :-) I have a pdoc appt tomorrow (thank god) and I stopped taking the prozac today. I really think it is causing the daily panic attacks. I do know its a Xanax night, but I can sit here and type and focus and not have to take it yet. I have some work to do before tomorrow (I am in charge of payroll, catering, and inventory, and I created excel sheets to organize everything. the business is a mess as it is!) I know its just a little deli, but it makes me feel useful, and I get to use my bipolar in a productive way (4,000 ideas in 3 min flat!)

I am going on a "holiday" (LOL) on Thurs. I think all Americans should call vacations holidays. It sounds so much better. Anyway, Jamie's godson is graduating from Marine Corp Boot Camp and we are going. I will be meeting Jamie's "adopted" family for the first time (Yikes!) I met the godson right before he went to boot camp, but I will now be meeting the whole family. Cant forget the Xanax. the graduation is a huge outdoor stadium. Oh boy. But it should be fun, they rented the beachhouse that was portrayed as Bubba's homeplace in the movie Forrest Gump. It really is just a small cabin, but its right on the water, really pretty. I need a break away from here and my life :-) Hopefully all will go well and I wont make an ass out of myself :-)

2006-10-01T10:46:00.000-04:00

Havent been able to write lately...Having panic attacks almost constantly...thank god I go to the pdoc tomorrow...maybe Prozac is causing this???? I am just a big mess.......

2006-09-24T10:51:00.000-04:00

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
Dealing with bipolar
Dealing with Panic
Dealing with not being able to breathe because my heart is pounding of panic.
Taking meds so I can get just 4 pitiful hours of sleep.
Not being able to function
Being grateful that I only work 4 hours a day. I just couldnt handle any more hours.
Have a doc that doesnt LISTEN to what I am saying.
Feeling like a such a fucking burden to Jamie. He says no, but still......
Having no hope to get better...it seems like even people on meds are still having to deal with the moods and depression and anxiety.....
Praying to God to have mercy and let me go to sleep like a normal person
Interrupting people constantly, because if I dont, I will forget what I need to tell them
Grrrr....I am so sick of this!!!

*disclaimer: dont worry, I am pissed, but not suicidial.

2006-09-18T11:24:00.000-04:00

WOO HOO!!! yes, thats my ass folks....actually right below my hip on the side....THIS IS A VERY CLOSE UP SHOT. My butt does not look this big in reality. Jamie was enjoying the day of me running around in my thong though :-) I had just gotten it done about 30 min prior to this pic...its not as red anymore and the purple is alot brighter....

hmmm...I am feeling quite exposed..

.....on to other fabulous news:

Anyone that doubts the power of prayer or positive thought, keep reading:

Brother went to have some pre-op tests done at Duke on Friday....they found that the cancer tumor is shrinking!! So they are going to wait 2 more weeks to see if it continues and then do to the procedure...In a perfect world, it will shrink and go away and no surgery!! Personally I think everyone here that has offered so much positive thoughts is the reason he is having this miraculous shrinkage :-) Words cannot express how grateful I am, and would love to kiss all of your feet (after you clean them of course) :-)

I start my class tonight, so wish me luck......

2006-09-17T14:16:00.000-04:00

well I was trying to post a pic of the tat for your viewing pleasure, but nothing is working. It feels like a small bad sunburn , but other than that all is well :-)

2006-09-16T20:26:00.000-04:00

so much of my emotions are internal synapses misfiring in my brain. Until today. My neighbor came over this afternoon after getting her first tattoo. I decided right then I wanted one (I have none). The feeling of expectations, the rush of such an outward experience was overwhelming. So I called Jamie to ask if we had an extra $25. He said yes and came home, picked me and my neighbor up to ride to the tattoo shop. I have always known what I wanted, but never could decide where on my body to put it. I liked where neighbor had hers, so I decided the same place. We get to the shop, I am shaking with nerves...but exhilerated at the same time than I am doing something "normal" people do and am experiencing the same emotions. The guy was great that did it, the shop was clean and sterile. 7 minutes later I am done. I am a leo. the astrological sign is a lions tail. So I got that on my hip area. I LOVE IT! I think I may have loved the fact of living to do something like this as much as getting the tattoo. Doing something other than shopping or some other bullshit to prove I am alive and am able to feel such emotions outside of my head. Priceless.

2006-09-14T10:42:00.000-04:00

so I havent written for a bit....things have been crazy (literally) my moods have not been stable at all for the past 2 weeks...either busy painting my house, or sitting on the couch unable to move or being so pissed off I couldnt see straight. My mom was here all last week visiting back and forth between here and my brothers new home in Raleigh. When she was here, we completly redid the kitchen, bathrooms, and one of the bedrooms. I would get off of work and come home to a "list" LOL. Until Friday. Friday I lost my job. I dont feel like getting into the particulars, I feel too embarrased and shameful. Because I was there less than 90 days so I dont qualify for unemployment. So its back to the drawing board. I cant believe all this. It seems the past 4 years my entire work life has gone downhill. I used to work for a huge companies with benefits and a nice office. Now I am going to an interview this afternoon to work at a deli. This new practice of checking your credit before being hired is ridiculous. A local huge chain of home improvement stores even checks credit. I can understand criminal background, but damn! I fell into the classic bipolar trap of shopping therapy and fucked myself when I couldnt pay the minimums. when I had a good job I was able to keep afloat, but since I moved back to the south, I barely have enough money to eat. Thank god for Jamie and his being able to afford the household bills and a few necessities of mine, such as car insurance and cell phone bill. But I made this financial mess and me alone must get out of it. Once I start working again I am going to go to a credit counseling place. Hopefully find a reputable one. I did sign up to take a course in medical coding and billing that starts next Mon. Hopefully that will enable me to find a job that doesnt check credit and allows me enough money to get out of this financial wreak.

As for my brother, thank you all for your prayers and support. He is scheduled on Tues to have surgery at Duke. The cancer was caught early enough that he may not have to have chemo (thank god). His mindset has GREATLY improved. Alot of his friends have come out to show support and that helps him immensly. I also believe the prayers helped too....so I thank all of you. I will update on him after Tues. If you wouldnt mind, say a little prayer for me....while Brother is in surgery, I am going to be in the waiting room with my mom, dad, and stepmom (mom and stepmom have never met, but talk shit about each other all the time) Its kinda dad and stepmom against mom....oh the drama. I told both of them I would be in the corner eating pez candy (or xanax!LOL) I refuse to deal with petty shit when my brother is having invasive surgery! Brother is already laughing at me having to deal with all this while he is sedated..I told him just wait...when he wakes up all 4 of us will be the first faces he sees :-)
more later....

2006-09-11T09:38:00.000-04:00

Susan M. Pollio
World Trade Center

A Heart for HelpingAt Thanksgivings, Susan Pollio would get up from the table and announce, "I have to go see a friend." After she died, her family learned that she had been going into Manhattan to feed the homeless in soup kitchens.Ms. Pollio, 45, a broker at Euro Brokers who lived in Beach Haven, N.J., was always offering to help out. Sometimes this benefited her, like when she was a young secretary at a brokerage firm and a broker called in sick. Ms. Pollio offered to fill in for the day and began a career.Mostly, though, Ms. Pollio, whose early marriage was annulled and who never remarried, seemed to live to help others. She organized a prayer service at a church in the financial district for a colleague's daughter who had a brain tumor. When the priest backed out at the last second, Ms. Pollio got up and led the service herself. "I used to tease her," her friend Karen Kelly said: "If she had any flaw, it was that she was too nice. If a bird was in the middle of the road, she'd stop and get it."Ms. Pollio's generous impulses outlived her. Ms. Kelly had mentioned that her husband was training for a triathlon and was having problems keeping his energy up. A few days after Sept. 11, he got a book in the mail from Ms. Pollio on dieting for athletes. Ms. Kelly's sister received a package, too — of clothes that Ms. Pollio had outgrown. "It was spooky," Ms. Kelly said.
Profile published in THE NEW YORK TIMES on February 12, 2002.

Susan Pollio, 45, attained her dream jobWhen the World Trade Center was bombed in 1993, Susan Pollio of Jersey City walked down to safety from the 84th floor of the South Tower. Although not physically injured, she was covered with soot and disoriented."She was traumatized by that," said her mother, Phyllis Pollio, also of Jersey City.So when terrorists crashed two jetliners into the World Trade Center towers on Sept. 11, Ms. Pollio made a quick telephone call to her mother telling her she was going to leave the building -- but then decided against retracing her steps of eight years earlier.It was that decision that sealed her fate. Ms. Pollio, 45, a bond trader with Euro Brokers, perished when the World Trade Center collapsed.Ms. Pollio, who stayed at her Jersey Shore home on Long Beach Island the weekend before the Tuesday attack, made two calls to her mother's answering machine on that morning.In the first message, she said she was planning to stay that night at her mother's house.The second message, mere seconds long and spoken in a shaky voice, came shortly after the attack. "She's telling me, 'Don't worry, I'm okay, I'm evacuating,' " her mother said.Because of mixed signals about how to respond to the attack, her daughter apparently changed her mind, Phyllis Pollio said. "She decided to stay on."After months of being reported as missing, Ms. Pollio's body was recovered Wednesday, her mother said."It's a miracle," Phyllis Pollio said. "I had mixed emotions. I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. But as time has gone on, I have closure. But in a situation like this, how are you to feel?"The job near the top of the Twin Towers was very much a dream realized, her mother said. A graduate of St. Anthony High School in Jersey City, Ms. Pollio began as a secretary at Euro Brokers about 15 years ago."One day, a broker was out sick, and they gave her that chance," her mother said, explaining how her daughter won her job as bond broker. "She proved herself well, and she remained there."The challenge, and the healthy pay, kept her excited about working there, Pollio added.When not working, Ms. Pollio enjoyed helping out at her church, St. Francis of Assisi on Long Beach Island. The church held charity runs, and Ms. Pollio was often there, handing out water to the runners.Ms. Pollio also had a passion for the environment, and a conviction against smoking."Her father was a chimney smoker," her mother said. He died when Ms. Pollio was in her 20s, and the experience of her father's death prompted her crusade against smoking.In addition to complaining in person about smoke in restaurants, Ms. Polio wrote letters to newspaper editors, her mother said.Most of all, she built relationships. "She loved her family," Pollio said. "Her treasures were her family and friends."Born in Jersey City, she resided there her entire life. She was married briefly, but the marriage was annulled, her mother said.In addition to her mother, Ms. Pollio is survived by two sisters, Joyce Oxley of Toms River and Sandra Gonzales of Indianapolis, Ind.
Profile by George Berkin published in THE STAR-LEDGER.

This is most detailed information I have found on this exceptional woman. Unfortantly, her life was tragically cut short on that horrid day. The world was a better place for having her in it, even for a short time. May she be an example to all of us, to strive for acts of kindness and unselfishness.

2006-09-01T07:30:00.000-04:00

Oh the joys of tropical storm Ernesto. Winds knocking debris everywhere, power outages, flooding.....The B&B Iwork for had a window blow out (it was one of the original windows from the 1800's) and the kitchen flooded. The ceiling leaked and flooded....What a mess. The wind is still gusting about 60mph. But everyone is safe and thats all that really matters. I almost cried last night though (before the power went out) when I was watching the news...they were interviewing an older lady in a storm shelter and she said that she lived alone and had nervous problems that she was on medication for, and went to shelter to feel safe. I wanted to go there and get here and keep her safe here.
well I am off to work, will write an update on Brother this evening. I go my pdoc today also, so I will have plenty to write about....

2006-08-30T21:18:00.000-04:00

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts during this time....I was having trouble coping with all of this, but I took a xanax and am now doing ok. For some reason when I am upset I end up tossing up my food and have not able to eat anything. I took a pill and was finally able to keep down some soup! My mom is on her way down and my brother meets with his doc tomorrow, the financial people on Fri and the final decision of treatment will be made on Mon. There is a new procedure they are using at Duke that they are leaning towards, but he will get more info tomorrow. It was caught in the early stages so things are hopeful. I will be updating as soon as I know anything. You guys are keeping me from cracking into a million peices, thank you. Yes, I will be depending on xanax for the next week....but thats the only way that I can appear to be strong and function. I may get let go by my job because I had to take the past 2 days off (sickness and severe panic) and I will have to take off some next week for brothers surgery. Jamie is trying to convince me to go on disability, but I know that as soon as things calm down and i get the right med I will be able to hold a job. at least I hope. oh god, just get me through this next week.....

2006-08-29T16:23:00.000-04:00

my brother was diagnosed with a cancerous mass in his stomach. please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

2006-08-27T18:07:00.000-04:00

So sorry I have been neglecting you guys..let me tell you why....
Last week my brother (the one who went through all that shit with his girlfriend, and that has deep depression right now) had to go to the ER. When they did the cat scan, x-ray, whatever, they found 3 kidney stones (he has since passed only one) and a "mass" in his stomach. He is going tomorrow morning for an endoscopic biopsy in Chapel Hill (which is a very good medical community). There is a possibilty that it is cancer, and while I am def freaked out at that possibilty, I am more upset that he is hoping for cancer as a way for him to die. He desperatly needs help, but wont take it (I went and found a mental health clinic in his area) He wants to die so bad and I dont know what to do...I dont know what to do about any of it....How do you help someone that doesnt want help?

2006-08-23T22:10:00.000-04:00

I am still here. Just not doing too well...even though I am not commenting much, I am still reading blogs and Dan I promise to email you back soon (I havent forgotten you!) I am just useless right now....but I will write more later....

2006-08-21T09:07:00.000-04:00

Thank you so much everyone for your comments....I wonder what the best career choice would be for someone like us? What is something that will provide alot of money so we can afford our meds, and enough time off to deal with the days that the meds dont work? and something that we dont have to concentrate on for long periods of time, and yet still stimulate us? and that doesnt involve alot of college. And that doesnt deal with people too often....
maybe I could be president? LOL
any suggestions? What are some jobs that have made you happy?

2006-08-20T08:32:00.000-04:00

Well this just sucks. Today I turn 28. and I have been looking forward to this day for a bit (I love a day that is all about me, conceited I know). Jamie is making me a champagne brunch in a bit and we are just going to relax and do whatever I want. Well I am in the middle of a severe depression and anxiety attack. No idea if I am freaking out about my b-day, or if its just the lovely bipolar that seems to take over my body at inappropriate times. Of course it seems to always be there lurking, but some days are worse than others. And then the whole b-day thing. This is not where I wanted to be in life. I should have a better job, more stability, less debt, just be able to stand on my feet a little more. I know that the illness causes setbacks to some degree with all this, and most days I am ok with the fact that I have to do things a little diffrent than most to get by in life. I guess I am also still coming to terms with the fact that I even have this. I get diffrent diagnoses every time I go to the doc. PTSD, ADD, atypical depression, bipolar II, whatever. Still trying to find a fucking medication that doesnt give me horrid side effects and yet is affective.
I just thought that by now, I would at least have health insurance, a retirement plan, an idea of what I am good at for a career and be on my way to acheiving it. But no, everytime I try to go back to school I end up dropping out, because I cant finish anything I start. and I need to finish dammit!! I need to get my degree, although I change my mind almost daily about what I want to major in. Life is just so fucking hard. and why cant I get myself togeather?? It seems that everyone I read on these blogs are in careers that require school and/or training, how do you guys do it? How do you even know what you want to do that wont bore you to tears a few months into it? I know I dont want to do massage therapy anymore, its too hard on my body, and I am still so freaked out about the episode the other day with that creepy guy. Uggggg....well I am going to try to put a smile on and get through the day....