Musings of a bipolar punkin

2006-12-16T09:13:00.000-05:00

Wow...I didnt realize it had been so long since last I wrote.....Sorry about that...So much has happened......My head is still having its ups and downs, but I finally figured out a good way to handle it...keep as busy as I possibly can and wear myself out :-) Not the healthiest choice, but it seems to be working wether I want to be busy or not! I got a new job, I am working now as a jewelry consultant (sales) I love it, but hate working retail at X-mas....Jamie for the month of Dec has had to work 2nd shift which SUCKS! But the day before thanksgiving he proposed :-) Its only 9am and this is the first moment I have had to myself and I am exhausted....I have some family coming to visit today and tomorrow I am going to go see my father (blah). And then starts the week before x-mas at the store....11 hour days starting Mon with no breaks (they are bringing lunch in) and it is for 7 days in a row!!! I hope I do ok.....Hope all is well with all of you, I still am reading your blogs when I can.......

2006-10-27T09:14:00.000-04:00

whew...things have been crazy...not the crazy I am used to, but normal busy crazy. What started as part time work at the deli has turned into 10 hour days due to massive catering. Driving all over New Bern to deliver and set up lunch. Whats funny is my pdoc and therpaist work for the same company in the same building and I had to do a catering for them the other day. I walk in and the receptionist smiles says my name how are you etc....my boss was right next to me! I said hello I am here to deliver a catered lunch, where do we need to set up? She realized then oops! My boss didnt even notice. Although he could be hit over the head with a brick and wouldnt notice :-) I have not done any ghost walks this week...my next one is Sunday. Jamie and I fought all week too (esp Monday night) so that has been draining, but I think things will work out and we will be back to normal soon. I was reading Jane's blog and she made mention of Mercury in Retrograde. The major hardship being communication during this cycle. I can def see that happening. It seems everyone is fighting due to lack of or miscommunication. I was talking to a good friend last night and was reminded of the fact that the moon is what pulls the tides. Our bodies are made of 80% water, so I def think there is some merit to the fact that I go nuts ever full moon and this whole mercury in retrograde thing. And I dont feel like writing. I feel like holeing up and doing crafts and just wanting some alone time. I have been thinking of a few things...what I want to do with my life etc....I think I want my own shop...small, cozy, intimate atmosphere with coffee, books, gifts...I have been having some ideas for jewlery with precious stones such as amethyst, pearls, etc.....I have almost all the stuff to do it, I just have to spend maybe $100 to get some more supplies. Who knows what will happen. I am just having a ton of ideas.......

2006-10-18T15:58:00.000-04:00

well, as always, the pain calms and things get "normal" again.....these cycles suck!!!
I am not going to have alot of time from now until x-mas to deal with this shit. I was approached yesterday for a second job being a tour guide for a ghostwalk here in our historic downtown. It is a year round tour, and the money will be easy and nice.....I was also told that I could sell my crafts at the deli for x-mas too :-) Things are looking up again I think.....I am going on Sat to see my brother and how he is doing. Right now he is working at a haunted house at night, so Jamie and I are going to go and check it out, then stay the night. Should be a fun time for all (hopefully). I start the ghost walk tomorrow night for training...I am so excited, it is said that the town I live in is one of the most haunted areas of NC....
Good thing this money is coming in too....We are flat broke and tons of bills are coming in...I have to pay mucho money to get my massage license renewed by Nov 1st....and of course my car inspection expires end of the month. Such is life....
Poor Jamie though, he is feeling a bit neglected with me doing all of this....but he is understanding and realizes it will all even out :-) At least we are hopeing it will....well I must go get on the torture machine (nordictrack) and try to get my ass smaller :-) I know I am not commenting on your blogs as much as I used to, but please everyone know that I am still reading and am so thankful to each of you for sharing your life online. Hugs to everyone!!!

2006-10-15T11:02:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much for the info! As for me, I am having a bad bipolar episode. When I first took the Requip, I felt really weird, but I slept like a baby. It was wonderful. Then on Tues night, I started to go back to the insomnia and panic attacks....which then proceeded to get worse by each night. And I was in considerable pain from the workout. I think I am going to go a little slower, maybe not kill myself so much on it. So for the past 2 full days I have had head pressure (which some could be due to the drastic weather change of the barametric pressure) and panic all day long. I took a xanax last night with the requip and still did not get to sleep until 1am. I just keep telling myself to hang on. I have a call in the doc, I broke down and started crying on Fri being so sick and tired of being sick and tired. a small pity party for one. Jamie took it well (he hates to see me cry) and just held me for awhile. But I am just soo tired of all this shit! Not being able to function with people and situations. I want to go back to school full time, but worry that I wont be able to do it. I have alot to do today and hopefully I will have some time to do some crafts (I am finding that it helps sometimes). I have my first test tomorrow night for that one class that I am taking....I am the biggest procrastinator so I have to force myself to study today. The post may not make sense, but I have to get all this out.....

2006-10-13T10:03:00.000-04:00

Does anyone know anything about narcissistic personlity disorder? Someone close to me (not Jamie) was diagnosed with it a few days ago....Any comments would be appreciated.
BTW- I am still in pain!!! When will it end???? damn nordictrack. my butt better get small in a hurry!!

2006-10-11T22:23:00.000-04:00

I hurt!!! I had this great idea yesterday to do (what felt like) 1,000 min on the nordictrack and a pilates DVD....I can barely move....and then I thought it would be a good idea to it again today when I got home from work! I am apprently a bit masochistic.....!!!!!

2006-10-10T09:37:00.000-04:00

Hoo-Rah....Just got back from Parris Island, SC for Jamie's godson's graduation from Marine Corp Bootcamp. Godson had stayed with us right before he went in. I could not believe the change in him this visit. It is taking him a little while to adjust not being yelled at 24/7. And he lost so much weight! But it was a great time. We stayed in the house where Forrest Gump was filmed right on the water....It was beautiful. There is an albino dolphin that roams the waters there, but unfortunatly we did not see it. I did ok.....Had some panic with the crowds at graduation, but nothing major, I got through it. On the last day we went and had brunch at a wonderful resturant, but I did not make it all the way through. Had to leave, started breathing weird, heart pounding etc...It is so damn embarrasing!!! But thank god, Jamies friends were understanding about it. We never told them about the bipolar. I just said I have panic attacks occasionally. On the drive back, we stopped at South of the Border. It is hard to explain what it is...a huge sombraro roadside stop, with fireworks (which we bought) and cheap trinkets. We found out later that for $99, we could have gotten married, stayed in the honeymoon suite, and had access to the Pleasure Dome. I was scared to ask what exactly what the Pleasure Dome is LOL. I dont think I want to know. But now I am back home. Same ol same ol...back to the grind. The requip seems to be doing ok, it is def fixing my restless leg stuff at night. But I am needing more sleep. Jamie says I am sleeping better during the night too... Not feeling any depression. some anxiety though...but that may be situational and not med related. Who knows....it has not slowed my thoughts though (which is what we were hoping) and I feel ansy sometimes. Right after I take it, sometimes I get a rush to my brain (its hard to describe). but if I get up and move around it seems to help. I go back to the dr tomorrow for a check up on it....

2006-10-05T15:28:00.000-04:00

Off to Holiday!!! Have a great weekend everyone! Will return on Sunday :-)

2006-10-03T15:33:00.000-04:00

well, another day, another dollar. Went to walmart and got my Requip...heres hoping for success! I was reading online somewhere (I never know where I end up when I am surfing) and I found an article saying that people with bipolar benefit from paint by numbers. It helps you focus in short incriments supposedly. Well I have not done that since I was little and I sucked then too, if I recall...anyway, I saw a kit for $4 at walmart that was the chinease symbol for hope. So I got it. We will see....I will give it to Jamie for christmas if it comes out ok...god knows he needs hope dealing with me LOL. I am def going to get back into crafts after I get back from "holiday" I make christmas ornaments usually, but didnt last year because the depression was just too ugly.
Well Jamie will be home soon, we have a ritual on Tues nights where we go to Dairy Queen and eat ice cream for dinner....
2 days till "holiday"!!!!!!

2006-10-02T21:24:00.000-04:00

What a day...I am soo keyed up right now, prob because I have been on the go since this morning....let me share my day:
Got up, went to do some shopping for the deli and then went to work. Where we got SLAMMED for lunch (which is good) and about 2 while I am cleaning up we get a phone for a catering tomorrow. 22 people. I have my pdoc appt at 3:30 so I am thinking "ok, I can handle this" 25 thousand messes later, (but real pretty food) I am heading off to the doc. I have a therapy appt at 4 which is in the same office, so I have my book and I wait. and I wait. and I wait some more. well, it is now 4 and my therapist is wandering the halls looking for me. Since no one is around while I am waiting for the dr, we decide to have my session in the hallway. 1 hr and 15 after my appt that was set at 3:30, The doc comes out. I say goodbye to my therapist and go in to the doc. He asks me how I am doing and all that stuff.....I tell him, and he says exactly what I was thinking. The prozac is causing my panic. Well, I have tried all the SSRI's and none of them work, so we started talking about what was left. I mentioned that I have restless leg syndrome and that some research I found is saying that it is caused by a dopamine problem. Well he told me that he has had some good results giving scrips for the new RLS drug Requip for depression and ADD. So I am now on a trial (1 week) of Requip. At the least hopefully I will be able to sleep without all the leg twitching. Oh happy day. So I go home for an hour to scarf down some food and smooch Jamie before leaving again for school. I have some bad news. Apprently the FDA is trying to ban the free samples that drs give away to patients, because the drs abuse them. This is not good. My teacher informed us of this and it started this 2 hour dicussion on the american health care system. So we really didnt get alot of learning done. More of a bitchfest. But whatever. Its over and I am home and watching mindless tv...off to walmart in the morning to fill my script (its the cheapest price I have found for meds) even though every time I go in there I feel that my soul is being sucked out of me...but hey, I am on a budget. Wish me luck :-)

2006-10-01T20:06:00.000-04:00

After talking to a friend for hours today, I am finally feeling better.....I need to start writing more regularly. This is such therapy and I need to utilize it more. I am watching 60 min right now, they are having a segment on a surgery for depression. A pacemaker for the brain in a way. Its still experimental, but its wonderful that the research is going on...Wow...it would be great if I could have a surgery and be garenteed success and "normalcy". But that will be years away, maybe after I am dead. That would be my luck...70 years of struggle on Earth and then the day after I die, the breakthrough cure happens! Well, just keep hoping I guess :-) I have a pdoc appt tomorrow (thank god) and I stopped taking the prozac today. I really think it is causing the daily panic attacks. I do know its a Xanax night, but I can sit here and type and focus and not have to take it yet. I have some work to do before tomorrow (I am in charge of payroll, catering, and inventory, and I created excel sheets to organize everything. the business is a mess as it is!) I know its just a little deli, but it makes me feel useful, and I get to use my bipolar in a productive way (4,000 ideas in 3 min flat!)

I am going on a "holiday" (LOL) on Thurs. I think all Americans should call vacations holidays. It sounds so much better. Anyway, Jamie's godson is graduating from Marine Corp Boot Camp and we are going. I will be meeting Jamie's "adopted" family for the first time (Yikes!) I met the godson right before he went to boot camp, but I will now be meeting the whole family. Cant forget the Xanax. the graduation is a huge outdoor stadium. Oh boy. But it should be fun, they rented the beachhouse that was portrayed as Bubba's homeplace in the movie Forrest Gump. It really is just a small cabin, but its right on the water, really pretty. I need a break away from here and my life :-) Hopefully all will go well and I wont make an ass out of myself :-)

2006-10-01T10:46:00.000-04:00

Havent been able to write lately...Having panic attacks almost constantly...thank god I go to the pdoc tomorrow...maybe Prozac is causing this???? I am just a big mess.......

2006-09-24T10:51:00.000-04:00

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
Dealing with bipolar
Dealing with Panic
Dealing with not being able to breathe because my heart is pounding of panic.
Taking meds so I can get just 4 pitiful hours of sleep.
Not being able to function
Being grateful that I only work 4 hours a day. I just couldnt handle any more hours.
Have a doc that doesnt LISTEN to what I am saying.
Feeling like a such a fucking burden to Jamie. He says no, but still......
Having no hope to get better...it seems like even people on meds are still having to deal with the moods and depression and anxiety.....
Praying to God to have mercy and let me go to sleep like a normal person
Interrupting people constantly, because if I dont, I will forget what I need to tell them
Grrrr....I am so sick of this!!!

*disclaimer: dont worry, I am pissed, but not suicidial.

2006-09-18T11:24:00.000-04:00

WOO HOO!!! yes, thats my ass folks....actually right below my hip on the side....THIS IS A VERY CLOSE UP SHOT. My butt does not look this big in reality. Jamie was enjoying the day of me running around in my thong though :-) I had just gotten it done about 30 min prior to this pic...its not as red anymore and the purple is alot brighter....

hmmm...I am feeling quite exposed..

.....on to other fabulous news:

Anyone that doubts the power of prayer or positive thought, keep reading:

Brother went to have some pre-op tests done at Duke on Friday....they found that the cancer tumor is shrinking!! So they are going to wait 2 more weeks to see if it continues and then do to the procedure...In a perfect world, it will shrink and go away and no surgery!! Personally I think everyone here that has offered so much positive thoughts is the reason he is having this miraculous shrinkage :-) Words cannot express how grateful I am, and would love to kiss all of your feet (after you clean them of course) :-)

I start my class tonight, so wish me luck......

2006-09-17T14:16:00.000-04:00

well I was trying to post a pic of the tat for your viewing pleasure, but nothing is working. It feels like a small bad sunburn , but other than that all is well :-)

2006-09-16T20:26:00.000-04:00

so much of my emotions are internal synapses misfiring in my brain. Until today. My neighbor came over this afternoon after getting her first tattoo. I decided right then I wanted one (I have none). The feeling of expectations, the rush of such an outward experience was overwhelming. So I called Jamie to ask if we had an extra $25. He said yes and came home, picked me and my neighbor up to ride to the tattoo shop. I have always known what I wanted, but never could decide where on my body to put it. I liked where neighbor had hers, so I decided the same place. We get to the shop, I am shaking with nerves...but exhilerated at the same time than I am doing something "normal" people do and am experiencing the same emotions. The guy was great that did it, the shop was clean and sterile. 7 minutes later I am done. I am a leo. the astrological sign is a lions tail. So I got that on my hip area. I LOVE IT! I think I may have loved the fact of living to do something like this as much as getting the tattoo. Doing something other than shopping or some other bullshit to prove I am alive and am able to feel such emotions outside of my head. Priceless.

2006-09-14T10:42:00.000-04:00

so I havent written for a bit....things have been crazy (literally) my moods have not been stable at all for the past 2 weeks...either busy painting my house, or sitting on the couch unable to move or being so pissed off I couldnt see straight. My mom was here all last week visiting back and forth between here and my brothers new home in Raleigh. When she was here, we completly redid the kitchen, bathrooms, and one of the bedrooms. I would get off of work and come home to a "list" LOL. Until Friday. Friday I lost my job. I dont feel like getting into the particulars, I feel too embarrased and shameful. Because I was there less than 90 days so I dont qualify for unemployment. So its back to the drawing board. I cant believe all this. It seems the past 4 years my entire work life has gone downhill. I used to work for a huge companies with benefits and a nice office. Now I am going to an interview this afternoon to work at a deli. This new practice of checking your credit before being hired is ridiculous. A local huge chain of home improvement stores even checks credit. I can understand criminal background, but damn! I fell into the classic bipolar trap of shopping therapy and fucked myself when I couldnt pay the minimums. when I had a good job I was able to keep afloat, but since I moved back to the south, I barely have enough money to eat. Thank god for Jamie and his being able to afford the household bills and a few necessities of mine, such as car insurance and cell phone bill. But I made this financial mess and me alone must get out of it. Once I start working again I am going to go to a credit counseling place. Hopefully find a reputable one. I did sign up to take a course in medical coding and billing that starts next Mon. Hopefully that will enable me to find a job that doesnt check credit and allows me enough money to get out of this financial wreak.

As for my brother, thank you all for your prayers and support. He is scheduled on Tues to have surgery at Duke. The cancer was caught early enough that he may not have to have chemo (thank god). His mindset has GREATLY improved. Alot of his friends have come out to show support and that helps him immensly. I also believe the prayers helped too....so I thank all of you. I will update on him after Tues. If you wouldnt mind, say a little prayer for me....while Brother is in surgery, I am going to be in the waiting room with my mom, dad, and stepmom (mom and stepmom have never met, but talk shit about each other all the time) Its kinda dad and stepmom against mom....oh the drama. I told both of them I would be in the corner eating pez candy (or xanax!LOL) I refuse to deal with petty shit when my brother is having invasive surgery! Brother is already laughing at me having to deal with all this while he is sedated..I told him just wait...when he wakes up all 4 of us will be the first faces he sees :-)
more later....

2006-09-11T09:38:00.000-04:00

Susan M. Pollio
World Trade Center

A Heart for HelpingAt Thanksgivings, Susan Pollio would get up from the table and announce, "I have to go see a friend." After she died, her family learned that she had been going into Manhattan to feed the homeless in soup kitchens.Ms. Pollio, 45, a broker at Euro Brokers who lived in Beach Haven, N.J., was always offering to help out. Sometimes this benefited her, like when she was a young secretary at a brokerage firm and a broker called in sick. Ms. Pollio offered to fill in for the day and began a career.Mostly, though, Ms. Pollio, whose early marriage was annulled and who never remarried, seemed to live to help others. She organized a prayer service at a church in the financial district for a colleague's daughter who had a brain tumor. When the priest backed out at the last second, Ms. Pollio got up and led the service herself. "I used to tease her," her friend Karen Kelly said: "If she had any flaw, it was that she was too nice. If a bird was in the middle of the road, she'd stop and get it."Ms. Pollio's generous impulses outlived her. Ms. Kelly had mentioned that her husband was training for a triathlon and was having problems keeping his energy up. A few days after Sept. 11, he got a book in the mail from Ms. Pollio on dieting for athletes. Ms. Kelly's sister received a package, too — of clothes that Ms. Pollio had outgrown. "It was spooky," Ms. Kelly said.
Profile published in THE NEW YORK TIMES on February 12, 2002.

Susan Pollio, 45, attained her dream jobWhen the World Trade Center was bombed in 1993, Susan Pollio of Jersey City walked down to safety from the 84th floor of the South Tower. Although not physically injured, she was covered with soot and disoriented."She was traumatized by that," said her mother, Phyllis Pollio, also of Jersey City.So when terrorists crashed two jetliners into the World Trade Center towers on Sept. 11, Ms. Pollio made a quick telephone call to her mother telling her she was going to leave the building -- but then decided against retracing her steps of eight years earlier.It was that decision that sealed her fate. Ms. Pollio, 45, a bond trader with Euro Brokers, perished when the World Trade Center collapsed.Ms. Pollio, who stayed at her Jersey Shore home on Long Beach Island the weekend before the Tuesday attack, made two calls to her mother's answering machine on that morning.In the first message, she said she was planning to stay that night at her mother's house.The second message, mere seconds long and spoken in a shaky voice, came shortly after the attack. "She's telling me, 'Don't worry, I'm okay, I'm evacuating,' " her mother said.Because of mixed signals about how to respond to the attack, her daughter apparently changed her mind, Phyllis Pollio said. "She decided to stay on."After months of being reported as missing, Ms. Pollio's body was recovered Wednesday, her mother said."It's a miracle," Phyllis Pollio said. "I had mixed emotions. I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. But as time has gone on, I have closure. But in a situation like this, how are you to feel?"The job near the top of the Twin Towers was very much a dream realized, her mother said. A graduate of St. Anthony High School in Jersey City, Ms. Pollio began as a secretary at Euro Brokers about 15 years ago."One day, a broker was out sick, and they gave her that chance," her mother said, explaining how her daughter won her job as bond broker. "She proved herself well, and she remained there."The challenge, and the healthy pay, kept her excited about working there, Pollio added.When not working, Ms. Pollio enjoyed helping out at her church, St. Francis of Assisi on Long Beach Island. The church held charity runs, and Ms. Pollio was often there, handing out water to the runners.Ms. Pollio also had a passion for the environment, and a conviction against smoking."Her father was a chimney smoker," her mother said. He died when Ms. Pollio was in her 20s, and the experience of her father's death prompted her crusade against smoking.In addition to complaining in person about smoke in restaurants, Ms. Polio wrote letters to newspaper editors, her mother said.Most of all, she built relationships. "She loved her family," Pollio said. "Her treasures were her family and friends."Born in Jersey City, she resided there her entire life. She was married briefly, but the marriage was annulled, her mother said.In addition to her mother, Ms. Pollio is survived by two sisters, Joyce Oxley of Toms River and Sandra Gonzales of Indianapolis, Ind.
Profile by George Berkin published in THE STAR-LEDGER.

This is most detailed information I have found on this exceptional woman. Unfortantly, her life was tragically cut short on that horrid day. The world was a better place for having her in it, even for a short time. May she be an example to all of us, to strive for acts of kindness and unselfishness.

2006-09-01T07:30:00.000-04:00

Oh the joys of tropical storm Ernesto. Winds knocking debris everywhere, power outages, flooding.....The B&B Iwork for had a window blow out (it was one of the original windows from the 1800's) and the kitchen flooded. The ceiling leaked and flooded....What a mess. The wind is still gusting about 60mph. But everyone is safe and thats all that really matters. I almost cried last night though (before the power went out) when I was watching the news...they were interviewing an older lady in a storm shelter and she said that she lived alone and had nervous problems that she was on medication for, and went to shelter to feel safe. I wanted to go there and get here and keep her safe here.
well I am off to work, will write an update on Brother this evening. I go my pdoc today also, so I will have plenty to write about....

2006-08-30T21:18:00.000-04:00

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts during this time....I was having trouble coping with all of this, but I took a xanax and am now doing ok. For some reason when I am upset I end up tossing up my food and have not able to eat anything. I took a pill and was finally able to keep down some soup! My mom is on her way down and my brother meets with his doc tomorrow, the financial people on Fri and the final decision of treatment will be made on Mon. There is a new procedure they are using at Duke that they are leaning towards, but he will get more info tomorrow. It was caught in the early stages so things are hopeful. I will be updating as soon as I know anything. You guys are keeping me from cracking into a million peices, thank you. Yes, I will be depending on xanax for the next week....but thats the only way that I can appear to be strong and function. I may get let go by my job because I had to take the past 2 days off (sickness and severe panic) and I will have to take off some next week for brothers surgery. Jamie is trying to convince me to go on disability, but I know that as soon as things calm down and i get the right med I will be able to hold a job. at least I hope. oh god, just get me through this next week.....

2006-08-29T16:23:00.000-04:00

my brother was diagnosed with a cancerous mass in his stomach. please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

2006-08-27T18:07:00.000-04:00

So sorry I have been neglecting you guys..let me tell you why....
Last week my brother (the one who went through all that shit with his girlfriend, and that has deep depression right now) had to go to the ER. When they did the cat scan, x-ray, whatever, they found 3 kidney stones (he has since passed only one) and a "mass" in his stomach. He is going tomorrow morning for an endoscopic biopsy in Chapel Hill (which is a very good medical community). There is a possibilty that it is cancer, and while I am def freaked out at that possibilty, I am more upset that he is hoping for cancer as a way for him to die. He desperatly needs help, but wont take it (I went and found a mental health clinic in his area) He wants to die so bad and I dont know what to do...I dont know what to do about any of it....How do you help someone that doesnt want help?

2006-08-23T22:10:00.000-04:00

I am still here. Just not doing too well...even though I am not commenting much, I am still reading blogs and Dan I promise to email you back soon (I havent forgotten you!) I am just useless right now....but I will write more later....

2006-08-21T09:07:00.000-04:00

Thank you so much everyone for your comments....I wonder what the best career choice would be for someone like us? What is something that will provide alot of money so we can afford our meds, and enough time off to deal with the days that the meds dont work? and something that we dont have to concentrate on for long periods of time, and yet still stimulate us? and that doesnt involve alot of college. And that doesnt deal with people too often....
maybe I could be president? LOL
any suggestions? What are some jobs that have made you happy?

2006-08-20T08:32:00.000-04:00

Well this just sucks. Today I turn 28. and I have been looking forward to this day for a bit (I love a day that is all about me, conceited I know). Jamie is making me a champagne brunch in a bit and we are just going to relax and do whatever I want. Well I am in the middle of a severe depression and anxiety attack. No idea if I am freaking out about my b-day, or if its just the lovely bipolar that seems to take over my body at inappropriate times. Of course it seems to always be there lurking, but some days are worse than others. And then the whole b-day thing. This is not where I wanted to be in life. I should have a better job, more stability, less debt, just be able to stand on my feet a little more. I know that the illness causes setbacks to some degree with all this, and most days I am ok with the fact that I have to do things a little diffrent than most to get by in life. I guess I am also still coming to terms with the fact that I even have this. I get diffrent diagnoses every time I go to the doc. PTSD, ADD, atypical depression, bipolar II, whatever. Still trying to find a fucking medication that doesnt give me horrid side effects and yet is affective.
I just thought that by now, I would at least have health insurance, a retirement plan, an idea of what I am good at for a career and be on my way to acheiving it. But no, everytime I try to go back to school I end up dropping out, because I cant finish anything I start. and I need to finish dammit!! I need to get my degree, although I change my mind almost daily about what I want to major in. Life is just so fucking hard. and why cant I get myself togeather?? It seems that everyone I read on these blogs are in careers that require school and/or training, how do you guys do it? How do you even know what you want to do that wont bore you to tears a few months into it? I know I dont want to do massage therapy anymore, its too hard on my body, and I am still so freaked out about the episode the other day with that creepy guy. Uggggg....well I am going to try to put a smile on and get through the day....

2006-08-19T17:28:00.000-04:00

woo hoo!!! Jamie just got home and let me open one of my presents early...its The Fray's CD :-) I have been wanting this forever....He also ordered XM satelitte radio for me, and I am waiting on pins and needles for it to come in, it shipped yesterday :-) Damn he is good to me, I sooo dont deserve it, He has about 8 other presents for tomorrow, plus a champagne brunch...I am the luckiest girl in the world!!

2006-08-19T08:37:00.000-04:00

Maybe I am not bipolar...maybe I am just reacting to my birthday :-)

Your Birthdate: August 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride.
Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing.
When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it.
It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious.

Your strength: Your warm heart

Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions

Your power color: Black

Your power symbol: Musical note

Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2006-08-17T19:31:00.000-04:00

I have been doing massage therapy for 5 years. My employer at the Bed and Breakfast wants to offer massage to guests. Great fine, more money for me. I did my first one today. I want to puke. I have been doing this long enough to feild all the inappropriate questions regarding the profession and have handled things fine, until today. I had a "guest" that has been staying at the B&B for the past 2 days with his wife. He wanted a half hour massage on his back. About 10 min into it, he says "I am going to be honest, I am soo excited right now" I stopped and said "stop that right now, or I will leave" He says "so that means I cant touch you?" I then pressed my finger onto a painful pressure point and said "no". He then spends the rest of the time talking to me like nothing was ever said. I finish his back and leave the room. I go downstairs to my boss and tell her what happened. She is horrified. I told her I never have had to deal with such blatent questions in my career. Thank god the "guests" are leaving tomorrow....I could not even look at his wife the rest of the day, that poor thing. He is a short, fat, balding man too...gross...I am going to go take a scalding hot shower....ewwww....

2006-08-16T21:56:00.000-04:00

I went off cymbalta last week due to horrible side effects, the downside is that the depression has come back full force. It takes all my energy just to go work. Although I am reading blogs everyday, I just cant type much right now....I started Prozac (again) so hopefully it will kick in sooner rather than later....I hate this.

2006-08-11T20:21:00.000-04:00

I think my blogger is broken...hopefully this will post :-)
I am sooo tired! I started my new job today (awoke at 5:30am!) I am a new manager of a local bed and breakfest. Total fluke of course, i have no experiance in hotel type settings. It is owned by a husband and wife and they just liked my personality so much they hired me! It is HARD work, running around all day, the phone ringing off the hook, people checking in and checking out. The house is beautiful, built in 1876 right on the water. I think the furniture indoors is worth more than the house! They own a piano built in 1835 that is a "grand square" They did not make too many, so it is a huge treasure. I wont be needing a stairmaster anymore thats for sure! and it is very casual, jeans and t-shirt. And they feed me breakfast and lunch (I feel like I am getting the better deal!) They have a son in a very popular show on Broadway (I LOVE theatre) and the owner and I sat and talked about all the legends that she has met through her sons career....we seem to get along sooo well. They are also really cool about the hours if I need to go to doc (I did not tell them about the BP, but I had to leave for an appt today) So I am going to bed and pass out, I will promise to visit blogs during the weekend....thank you so much for all your thoughts!!!!

2006-08-10T20:05:00.000-04:00

I got a job today! I was hired on the spot!!! Cant write right now, too busy dancing on the walls!!!! Will write with details later!!!

2006-08-09T13:43:00.000-04:00

http://www.dcroe.com/2996/

Still trying to figure out how to upload the tribute graphic to my sidebar....but in the meantime, sign up for this worthy memorial....

2006-08-09T11:35:00.000-04:00

Just got off the phone with the doc...explained all the side effects, he said to stop taking cymbalta immediatly. Take Benedryl to help with the itching. I go back to see him on Friday. To try again to find the right one....ugggg......

Still looking for a job. A company called me the other day and wants me to interview. But its an hour away, the entire drive is on this 2 lane road. A temp agency called yesterday and wants to submit my resume for a job here in town (and its more money than the job an hour away) so Jamie and I talked and we are going to see if the one in town shows intrest. If not, then I will go to the one an hour away. But the thing is, the hours are 10-7, so that would take up most of my day and when would I go to the dr? Also, the ac in my car decided to go on vacation so that must be factored in. Perfect situation is if I get the one in town. the hours are 8-4:30. Keep in your thoughts!

2006-08-08T23:56:00.000-04:00

side effects of Cymbalta thus far:
headache whenever I stand up or move around
insomnia (dont know if thats me or the med)
itchy skin
weakness in my left arm (WTF???)
increase in my restless leg at night
panic attacks in the morning (me or the med?)
I have drank a gallon (literally) of water every day I am so thirsty
restroom problems (TMI, sorry)

And I read that getting off this is REALLY PAINFUL.
And people with bipolar SHOULDNT TAKE IT

What the hell am I doing to my body??? What kind of damage am I doing by trying all these meds??? I know I cant be without something, the depression is too severe, but damn its frustrating!!!! Why cant I just be normal???

2006-08-08T12:14:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think the worst part of the illness is the frustration at not being able to say anything that will help another person with it, other than the "hang in there" "it will pass" "breathe" and other encouragements...We all know firsthand how shitty the depression is and how there is nothing but darkness. How nothing helps. How I feel inadequete spouting such words in my effort to be supportive. I dont feel it is enough. I literally ache for the blogs I am reading and the pain that I am so familiar with. And there is nothing I can do to make it better. Nothing I can say. So for Chalexa, Kansas, Cherlee, Pheonix, Scattered, Titania, and everyone else that is pain, even though I cant find the words to help, you are in my thoughts and I desperatly wish that there was something I could do to decrease the cloud of pain that it seems we are cursed with. But with that curse does come the fact that it is a cycle. So even though it is an everyday struggle, there will be a day where the light comes back. Even if it is just a glimpse. Hang in there till it comes.

2006-08-07T10:39:00.000-04:00

I learned an important lesson yesterday: I cannot drink wine under any circumstances. For many years I self medicated (a bottle of wine a night). About 6 months ago I realized what I was doing (I am a little slow) and restricted myself to sharing 1 bottle with Jamie on Sat nights (2 glasses each)....its gotten to be a nice routine, we have a "picnic" on the floor with cheese, bread and wine. So Sat night like any other we set everything up and I had my 2 glasses. and OH MY GOD when I woke up yesterday I felt as if I had 3 bottles!
So I will be back to drinking water all the time like every other night. Which isnt really a bad thing. But I was always so proud of myself to overcome everyday drinking and Sat nights were just a treat.....oh well....
The Cymbalta seems to be going ok I think....the only side effects are ringing in the ears, and itchy skin sometimes....I have not felt any benefits of it yet, but still hoping.....
Still looking for a damn job.....That will help my mental state sooo much......I have been working since I was 14 and during HS I had 2 jobs....Actually most of life I have had 2 jobs until these past 2 years. Getting employment has never been hard for me....but so many jobs now require credit checks (not really their business) and my credit is shot ( I have no control when I am manic). But just because I am irresponsiable with my money, doesnt mean that I will be with yours. When dealing with business funds I actually end up saving money for the company by being so diligent. Once I get employment I am going to go to one of those credit counseling places and get help (can anyone recomeend a reputable one?)
There are so many things I want to do and getting a job is the means to achieve them. Catch 22 you know? I know I am blessed to have Jamie providing for me while I am in a bad place, but I wonder what is the reason I have been out of work so long?

2006-08-05T22:19:00.000-04:00

Whew....its been quite a "bipolar" week.....I have been writing only when I am emotional lately (not a good idea) therfore you all get to experiance my insecurity, paranoia, self loathing, anger, mood swinging like a chandelier moments...sooo embarrasing.... Thanks for bearing with me......
I started the new med today and I know you are not supposed to feel better after the first day, but I am actually feeling ok for the first time in a week.....so I am hopeful :-)
Ol lady, I think I owe you some royalty money...as I was waiting for the doc the other day in the waiting room a lady was talking to me about her experiance in this program. We started talking about my last doc and how he talked down to me and had no patient manner, her eyes got wide in agreement, she thought she was the only one he treated that way (even the receptionist agreed, which made me feel good) and I made the comment "I am crazy, not stupid!" Everyone cracked up. It was actually quite liberating to be able to admit it in public. I can count on one hand the people that know about the diagnosis with me. I dont show any outward signs, I can hold my own in any environment and am known for having a smile on my face. So it was nice to let go of that mask even for just a moment.
Which brings another problem.....A man walked later (I waited an hour to see the doc) and started talking to me....he had just gotten out of the hospital and moved to my small town to live with his mom while he got back on his feet....He is there mainly for depression and suicidal tendiencies....he knows no one and asked if he could give me his number and maybe we could talk...this wasnt like any "hit on" situation I had ever been in. He seemed so lost and lonely....I told him ok, that I was looking into diffrent support groups and that I would call if any came up....I also made it clear about Jamie and I am off the market (feels good to say that!) he said that was fine, he just wanted to talk to someone that would understand. If I find support groups I will call, but I am not actively looking right now, and I dont want to run into him at the center, I get the sense he would be one of the types to call all the time and I would feel responsiable and blah, blah, blah...all that stuff. Cant deal with with it.....I will talk to my therapist about it Mon, maybe I can finally get a response from her!
Anyway, thanks for all your comments during my psychotic week.....your words always mean so much to me.....

2006-08-04T19:18:00.000-04:00

well since a miracle happened and my father is helping my brother, I decided to stay home this weekend.

As of tomorrow, I am going off Strattera and the doc is putting me on Cymbalta. He wants to do one med at a time, before putting me on a mood stabilizer. Of course he gives me a brand new drug that I cant afford, but thank god he had some samples.....

off to bed....will try life again tomorrow

2006-08-04T11:54:00.000-04:00

So I want to apologize. My past few posts have been nothing but anger and bitterness at my life. I am so upset all the time and my optimism has disappeared. My g-ma is sick and G-pa cant let me borrow the truck to pack up brothers stuff. My aunt is out of town. My father is good for nothing. My mom is thousands of miles away. My brain is about to shatter. and I am scared. I have been scared so much. of my brother committing suicide, of me never getting well. The ONLY support that I have in this is you guys. Jamie tries, but I know in the back of his mind he doesnt even believe in bipolar. And I feel that I am no good. I feel that I have nothing to offer anyone. That I am using the new friends that I have met on this blog to keep my head up, but am unable to help them. Please know how appreicative I am, even when I sound like an ungrateful bitch.

update: A bloody miracle happened. My father is renting a Uhaul and driving it to pick up my brother and move him. I get to stay home. This is first nice gesture my father has ever done. Its amazing.

2006-08-04T00:51:00.000-04:00

Jamie was married for 10 years.....2 years ago they seperated, 6 months ago they divorced....she is still a part of his life (her boyfriend was the real estate agent that sold us this house). I am moody, irritable, and insecure. Therefore, him talking to her and not telling me upsets me. Upsets me more when he does not include me in his plans. But whatever, I am disapointed in him.

but the main point I want to make....I may not be writing for a few days...I got a call from my brother, he needs someone to help him move to Raliegh. He lives in Greensboro. I live 4 hours away from Greensboro. My ac in my car conked out. It is 500 degrees out. And so this is my schedule for the next few days: Dr appt at 10:30, hopefully get out around 11. off to grocery store to get stuff for chicken soup for neighbor. go home make soup (crock pot). pack. Drive to Greensboro. Pack up his stuff, go to aunts house 30 min away. stay there tomorrow night. Borrow grandpa's truck. drive to Raleigh (1.5 hours away). drive back to aunts house. spend b-day money on gas for this whole trip. Drive home Sunday. Pass out and go to therapy on Mon.
Considering my condition right now, I know this is dumb and I will pay dearly....but I have to help. I cant NOT help.....
so I will not be writing, but I am ok (I think) Even though Jamie does not want me to go...maybe getting away would be a good thing...
Please keep me your thoughts......

2006-08-04T00:03:00.000-04:00

feel free to bill me for all drug info given :-) I have a few pennies I could send out.... LOL

2006-08-03T21:58:00.000-04:00

So you guys are offically AWESOME for sending me info.....Feel free to pat yourselves on the back for helping a broken girl......

my next door neighbor came over today...she lost the baby.....I had a miscarriage myself 3 years ago and I would not wish the pain on anyone.....I am so frustrated that I cant just wave my magic wand and make her feel better....I am going to make home made chicken soup for her after I get back from the doc tomorrow...I wish I could do more....

and then Jamie gets home and soo out of character asks me "why are you so pissy? are you going to be difficult tonight?" WTF??? He never says shit like that...maybe I am hurting for my neighbor you jackass???? Maybe I am just in a bad mood, since I have a MOOD DISORDER you dumb fuck! I am doing my gdamn best. your ex wife's b-day was Mon and you just had to call her (and not mention it to me) and email your friend (that I also know) to remind him about her b-day, but not MINE in 2 weeks.....yes, I am a bit irritated...And on Sat, you decide to drive an hour away from home to visit your EX in laws....how much understanding do I need to deal with??? You have no kids with her, no joint assets...why dont you let go??? Because he is a kind man, his inlaws were always nice to him...blah, blah, blah....GRRRRRR........

2006-08-03T12:30:00.000-04:00

Ok guys: everyone that reads this is being recruited...here is the game. I will list EVERY med I have ever tried. If there is one not on the list that works, where you have had positive personal experience with, please share. And I am thinking of trying Seroquel, but does it cause you to gain weight because you eat more? or does it change your metabolism? Any info will be greatly appreciated before I go the doc tomorrow at 10:30am (EST)

Effexor - allergic reaction
Celexa - no reaction
Prozac - stopped working after 6 months
Wellbutrin - suicidial thoughts
Lexapro - flat feeling
Neurotin - No reaction
Xanax - love it for emergency panic attacks
hydroxyzine - allergic reaction
stattera - still trying it
zoloft - suicidial thoughts
Lamictal - REALLY itchy skin after 2 dose
Lunesta - worked for 3 days then quit
Ambien - felt drunk, but not sleepy
SAMe - caused panic attack

All of these I tried for at least 2 months (except the allerigic reaction ones) I am on Strattera and Xanax for emergencies. I need a mood stablizer (or antidepressant) and antipsychotic (yes, I am starting to see things out of the corner of my eye. Hallucination due to sleep deprivation maybe? I am scared to death!)
I also take Quinine Sulfate for Restless Legs at night as needed.
Well there is my mediciane cubby for all to see.......Never listed these publically, feeling kinda vulnerable, but I really need help from people that have gone through this themselves.

2006-08-02T21:15:00.000-04:00

So I wasnt going to write anymore tonight....but I am mad as hell! This afternoon about 6pm I was lying in bed with a neck wrap trying to calm my head. Jamie knew this. He was in the living room gettin ready to cook me dinner (awww). And then there is a knock on the door. 2 men come barrelling into our home and announcing at the top of their lungs that they were going to cure all our cleaning needs. I almost screamed with the pain and I was in the other room. yes, Jamie let 2 Kirby Vaccum Salesmen in our house while I was dying in bed. I came out of the bedroom and asked them to please keep it down, I wasnt feeling well.....I was thinking this would take all of 5 min for Jamie to tell them we were not interested. 30 min later......I am pissed off. I go out there and tell them both that I have been generous and given you 30 min in my house to sell your crap and if Jamie didnt buy it by now, he wasnt going to and I am not well and need to eat dinner so pack your shit and get out of my house! I am usually docile and polite in most settings. Not today. I made an emergency appt with my new psychiatric PA for Friday. Please pray you dont see me on the evening news before then, victim of brain explosion.

2006-08-02T16:05:00.000-04:00

Just too fucked up to write today...have the shakes, am ok, just have nothing to say, busy trying to keep my head from exploding.

2006-07-31T23:20:00.000-04:00

Jamie just told me that I have been screaming in my sleep the last 2 nights..he is worried...I dont know what to say to make him worry less...and I didnt know that I yelled, according to him I yell "no" over and over.....I dont know what to do about this.....

2006-07-31T22:52:00.000-04:00

Thanks guys, so much for your comments...
I dont know why, but it always makes me smile when I check my email and see that I have comments...maybe it is shock that anyone reads this stuff?? I dont know, but I sure do appreciate it. Comments are actually the highlight of my days recently....

Things have been hard the past 2 days....not really anything new, just trying to find a job, trying to keep from crying, trying to keep from calling my father and screaming at him for being such a louse. Trying not to freak out every second about my Brother and what he is doing.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.....

2006-07-29T20:00:00.000-04:00

My god I am depressed....Jamie and I planned to clean out the garage and after giving him instructions on how I wanted it done, I bailed. I unloaded maybe a quarter of all the crap in the there and then went and sat and now he is doing all the work....I can barely move....I found out today that the whole situation with my brother is just a lie. everything. a lie. long story how all this came out, but now everyone is thinking he is schizophrenic. He needs psychiatric help, but he doesnt believe in meds. He says its the governments way of mass controlling the population. I feel so betrayed. I know he doesnt mean to hurt me....but it happens all the same. My poor mom. she doesnt have much and yet she gave him the last of what she had when she saw him last week. and she didnt need to. and now everyone is worried if he is confronted that it will throw him over the deep end and he will end himself. so much is going through my head and I just cant move. Jamie does what he can, but its just not enough right now..Sat night is our only night togeather that we can sleep in the next day...We usually curl up with a movie and a bottle of wine and just enjoy each other. I cant even do that. I just want to go to bed. try again tomorrow. I hate being like this. I feel like I dissapoint Jamie, even though he says I dont. He thinks I am this strong independent woman. I dont know why he thinks that. esp right now, its just not true anymore.

2006-07-28T11:26:00.000-04:00

So I have a confession to make....and if I cant be honest here, then there is no place for me.
Since going back on meds, I am having dreams....colorful, vivid, real to life dreams...most of them are good, funny, non important. Well I had one last night that I did not want to wake up from. Remember when you first fall in love with someone and every sensory is on overload? Well I had one last night about a man (I do not know him) and that feeling when he looked at me across a room, my heart fell into my stomach. We talked, he had to go but told me that he was in love with me. Then he puts a hand up and says "Dont respond to that, I just wanted you to know how I felt" I could not speak. I felt the same way. and then I woke up. I had all those first "honeymoon stage" feelings. I can still feel them. For someone other than Jamie. Someone in a dream! Jamie and I have been togeather since last Oct, but we knew each other for a year prior. And I had those feelings for him when we first were togeather. But now it has evolved into the calm, easy, comfortable relationship. I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am sad I will never have those emotional overload moments again. Not that I would trade Jamie for the world, but I guess that part of my life is over and I need to be ok with just dreaming about it. I know it makes me sound selfish and self-centered, and I am truly happy with Jamie, but I wish the feeling would have lasted longer with us.

2006-07-27T10:36:00.000-04:00

yippee!! I now know how to add links to my page...Thanks Kansas!! I will add more I promise, but I cant seem to concentrate to finish...I have so many that I read on a daily basis that it will take forever! Slowly but surely it will happen.....

Is it just me, or are writing letters a dying art? Jamie's godson is in boot camp right now, and I know that letters keep the boys sane through all the insanity they go through, but I have no idea what to say...
Any suggestions? I would like to send at least a one or two letters a week while he is there, but we live a pretty boring life...

2006-07-26T13:11:00.000-04:00

Update on Brother:
Well he got a job....and now Girl wants him back...after telling all their friends and him that he was a worthless, good for nothing, SOB. He called late last night and we had a really good talk about suicide, self esteem, etc...My mom just emailed me and told me that Brother decided he wont take her back (yipee!!) He is still looking for a new place to live, and having a job helps immensly! So hopefully he will be on his own soon....Girl needs a swift kick in the ass, preferably by me..I can always plead insanity :-) Seriously though, I believe in Karma and I know she will get her own one day.

As for me, I am ok....I am up to 20mg of Strattera and while it does NOTHING for the depression and panic attacks, it does help calm the hamsters in my head a little....the only side effect is weird tingles like cold spots over my body. But it is not bad. I went to therapy on Mon and told the therapist I never want to go back to that pdoc, so she hooked me up with a diffrent PA than the one I saw initially. So I go on the 14th of August.

My pdoc appt...LOL...in a nutshell: He would not look me in the eye the first 15 min of the appt. He talked down to me like I was stupid and/or crazy. He called me a chicken for slowly building tolerance to the meds because I have so many bad reactions. He will only treat one symptom at a time: The head pressure was really bad and I wanted that fixed first. He said if I was a "true bipolar" one of the 13 meds I have tried would have worked (most I discontinued because of side effects) He said I have traits of ADD, Bipolar, and PTSD. And then he insinuated that nothing was seriously wrong with me....well I almost committed myself the Sat before, because I wanted to die, but no nothing serious. He did not give a shit about my health and wellbeing.
One my next visit to the therapist (they share a file) I brought up all the new diagnosises and my therapist preceeded to tell me that he didnt change it in my file..apprently drs rarely do in this program, and it is up to the therapist. Not sure what to think about that. but regardless, at least I dont have to see him again.
I am happy to report that although my therapist was wearing a short sleeve shirt, she was wearing those loose flowing short pants that only come to below the knees...and her legs were shaved!!! So maybe there is hope....But I am still feeling as if it is a waste of time. I am really freaked out about the job situation, and she offered no help or feedback. I am just thinking that I am venting to her with no comments....hell I do that here, and I feel I get more therapy from the blogs and comments you guys leave than her!

and so it goes....

Something I saw on tv over the weekend...havent seen it since, but wanted to share. Apprently in NC there are some lawsuits about Zeprexa and Seroquel...they can cause diabetes and over 700 cases were settled or something...I caught the tail end, but I know alot of people here take Seroquel, so I wanted to post it anyway....

2006-07-25T14:01:00.000-04:00

you know when you have so much to do, and the pressure is so on, and yet you cant do a thing?

I have to get a job. Like NOW. I am registered with all the temp agencies here, plus the unemployment office, and go through the papers every day. I send out resumes daily. and yet I still dont have one. I dont understand why. I go places and see people with no customer service skills and I want to hit them over the head and tell them if you hate your job so much give it to me!!!! I even went to the grocery store and they said I was overqualified. Well, duh but the fact that I am there should give you a clue how desperate I need to work. And I work hard.

Jamie is talking about getting a second job. I absolutly cannot let that happen. He would work 2 jobs to my 0? No way. I dont know what else to do.

I had to tell my pregnant best friend that I may not make it to her wedding the end of Aug because of all this. (she lives in CO). It breaks my heart.

My Strattera perscription is $300 per month. I have to get a job!
My mental state improves when I work too...god knows I need that!
I just cant figure all this out...I should be working dammit! I have been working since I was 14! I have never had this much trouble finding a job.

frustrated.

2006-07-24T15:09:00.000-04:00

Mom left this morning, I am sad of course, but also exhausted....I am taking today to recover and just watch tv with Jamie tonight. Nothing stressful, forget the housecleaning, it will still be there tomorrow. I promise to write more later, I have so much to say that I am overwhelmed and not sure where to start, but it will come....

2006-07-21T17:20:00.000-04:00

Woo Hoo!!! Feeling ok today! Hope this lasts :-) Mom arrived safe yesterday afternoon, she went and saw my brother so that helped both of them. He did not come with her, because he got a job! A 4 week temp job, but still, it helps him mentally and puts some money in his pocket to get the hell out! Mom slipped him a few dollars (she doesnt have much) and offered to help him find another place to live, so maybe by next week Brothers situation will be better.
Jamie and my mom went to the grocery store to get "supplies". This is the first time they have met and they seem to be bonding well (whew). Although since they are both angels, they are destined to be friends. Mom showed up with a housewarming gift, a beautiful ceiling fan to replace the crappy one we have now....it will be an intresting weekend....hope that between the 3 of us we can put the fan up without injury :-)
We are even having a BBQ tomorrow night for a friend of mine and her 2 kids. her husband is in Iraq and so she needs the opportunity to relax. Hopefully we can provide a great evening. I promise a entry will come soon of the horriable pdoc visit, but I am feeling too ok right now to dwell on it...I prob wont be writing for a couple of days (mom leaves here Mon) but know I am thinking of you all and will return shortly. Have a wonderful weekend!

2006-07-20T00:27:00.000-04:00

dammit, I just tried writing again....power keeps flickering......
I just cant deal write now. I read my friend Sunflowers blog, and cannot find any words of encouragement. I would if I could, if you read this, I am so glad you are feeling better, you too Jane....I will write more when i can stand on my feet.
just for documention: Started 10mg of Strattera today.

2006-07-20T00:12:00.000-04:00

Well I just wrote this beautiful, long, descriptive entry about my horror with the pdoc. then the power went out and it was lost...... I dont feel like writing it again right now......Just too damn frustrated with every damn thing. Hopefully tomorrow will be better....

2006-07-18T23:23:00.000-04:00

Well I found out some news today.....just for the record, I am a white, red headed, blue eyed, childless, 27 year old woman. Therefore even though I have this hideous disease, I only qualify for 4 more sessions of therapy. At least the pdoc visits wont be capped for a little while. But in regards to the therapy, I am wondering if it is such a good match in the first place. Yesterday, as I am telling my tale, she reaches over to her desk to get a sip of water. And she is wearing a tank top. and ewww, she has not shaved her armpits! In what looks like months! Even on my most laziest days, my razor has a visit with my armpits. So obviously we have diffrent views on basic hygiene. She seems nice, but she listens and doesnt give feedback. I need feedback, thats the whole purpose to me. Anyone can listen, I need guidance. So we will see how this goes.

So there is this little tropical depression off the coast of NC and everyone here seems to have lost their minds. I had to go to the dreaded Walmart today or to the 9 levels of hell as I refer to it. Well, it seems that the entire county was there buying water, generators, batteries, etc...We are talking about 50 mile per hour winds. We had that in a storm last weekend! Now, if a CAT 5 was coming, of course prepare. Last year I was living on a small island right on the beach and Ophelia (CAT1) came and sat for 24 hours. No big deal. I was even on the weather channel. None of the locals left, yes some debris got thrown around, but all was well and the grocery stores didnt get blown away. Hell, even a CAT 2 go ahead and prepare...but a tropical depression? You would think (since this only the 400th one in the past 20 years) that people would learn.

Well I have my pdoc appt tomorrow. Wish me luck

2006-07-17T22:32:00.000-04:00

My god, I am tired.....I am so beat recovering from this weekend...I recieved an email, my mom (who lives in Chicago) is getting on a plane and coming down on Thurs... so I will be in and out, I dont know if I am going to Greensboro to pick up my brother and bring him back here or what. But I know that being all togeather will give my mom some peace and hopefully show Brother that there are options to get out of the hole he is in. Things got worse over the weekend with Bitch and him. Just more of the same BS, but more heartless....
Well I think I am tired enough to sleep.....
Goodnight

2006-07-17T09:04:00.000-04:00

Well, here it is....the rant from hell.
This has been the longest weekend of my entire life....Sat was AWFUL and I spent the entire day crying and comtemplating checking myself into a hospital. It was that bad. Then Jamie came home and just having his presence helped. The depression has NEVER been as bad as that day. At one point I was on the bathroom floor throwing up and sobbing. To be honest, the whole day is fuzzy...I finally got to sleep around 4am Sun morning and slept until 10:30ish. I woke up feeling the crying hangover, but was def better. Then around 12 the panic attacks started. and I was out of Xanax. Shit. Now..the adventure of trying to get it...

Some background: I have no health insurance. I cannot afford self pay health insurance due to my pre-existing condition. (and I dont have a job, although not for lack of trying) Jamie and I are not married, so no insurance there. So I sucked up my pride a month or so ago and went to the county human services dept to get free therapy and psych care. The government does not allot proper funds for quality care in these environments. And a large majority of clients are drug abusers, homeless, and people just down and out on their luck. So the fact that we are all there, despite what horrid situation we are in, should be clue that things are tough for us. You would think that would mean that a little compassion and caring would be appropriate. Hell, even if you spent $1,000 a visit, you should get compassion, just based on the fact that psychiatric disorders are scary as hell and some fucking empathy would be a good thing.

So anyway, this pressure in my head is unbelievable and I can barely talk because of the panic attacks that keep coming over and over and over....

So I call the emergency help line for the human services dept and tell them whats going on. Well, they are apprantly in an office 1 hour away and since my file is my town, they cant access it....Well if the fucking government would give these services computers, maybe this WOULDNT BE A FUCKING PROBLEM!!!!! I am crying, begging them to call the on call doctor and I am sure I sounded like a strung out drug addict, but all I was asking for were 2 pills to get me through till Weds. I take the smallest dosage and cut it in half. So she finally said she would call the dr and call me back.... she calls back in 10 min and tells me that the dr is not returning his page and that I should go to the ER. Hmmmm...if I cant afford health insurance, what makes you think I can afford the hundreds (maybe thousands) of dollars that it takes to go to the ER?? Not to mention that I am having major panic and to have to wait for hours in a waiting room to get called back? No way. I ask her to keep trying the dr. She says ok....5 min later she calls me back and "that I interupted his church service, which is why he took so long to call back, and that he was not going to call in a script and that I should go to the ER" WTF?????

After what happened Friday night, I am now convinced that church is out to hurt me.

So I call the local urgent care (a regular dr clinic thats open on Sun) and I head over there....the wait is an hour and a half. So I sign my name and go back home for that time. I then return..get called back and within 15 I have gotten my vitals and weight taken (ewww), seen the dr, have the script (for 40 pills!!) and head to the pharmacy. within 5 min at the pharmacy I have the pill in my body (given to me by the nicest pharmacy clerk I have ever known, she needs a medal and a raise) I then go home. Jamie had given me $100 to go do all this.... I walk in the house he gives me a huge hug. I put the reciepts and my purse on the counter...he picked them up and says the most beautiful thing:

dr appt: $76
medication: $13
the smile on your face: priceless

I have never loved him more.....

2006-07-16T13:59:00.000-04:00

ohhhhh.....be foreward: angry healthcare situation blog coming soon.....

2006-07-16T11:12:00.000-04:00

Thank God, yesterday is over!!! I am feeling better today, but a bit hungover feeling (from all the crying) I think it is a day to spend with a book and wait till tomorrow when I see my therapist......
I need you guys help though....this pressure in my head is unbearable....has anyone felt this before? Where it is soo uncomfortable with all the thoughts racing in my head where it feels like its just going to blow up? I would really appreciate the comments.....

2006-07-15T11:21:00.000-04:00

Well morning has come.....I cant handle this. My mom being sick and in out of dr offices and hospitals, and not finding whats wrong. My brothers ulcers that could be fatal, and his situation. My father taking things I say and twisting it all around to make himself look like a better father. and making me look like an idiot. My lack of employment. My lack of sleep. My weight. My head, trying to find the right med. I stopped Lamitcal last night and I feel like I am crawling out of my skin today. its all too much to take. I dont know what to do, its like hitting a brick wall over and over and over...I usually try to be positive, but right now, I just cant...its too much. I am supposed to go swimming today with my neighbor, but I dont want to go out in public looking like a whale and I cant seem to stop crying. Poor Jamie, he is working overtime today and wont be home till later, but I feel so bad that he has to deal with me...I dont like dealing with me right now. I woke him up at 3am last night just sobbing and he just held me and listened...I dont feel like I deserve him. I know all these feelings will pass, but right now, the light at the end of the tunnel looks like the headlight of an oncoming train.....

2006-07-15T01:40:00.000-04:00

This will prob be a long one......many subjects to talk about

Well, Lamictal is banned from my body. My skin feels like it wants to peel off and I have these weird cold spots all along my back. And no diffrent feeling in my head.

Does anyone else have this feeling that your head is going to explode from so much pressure when its actually all the thoughts that are racing? Where it is almost painful and def uncomfortable?

I got another rejection for a job today....damn this is hard....

I talked to my mom and my father today....whew, let me explain the highlight of my day first before I go into all that crap.....

Jamie. Just Jamie. He is the highlight. He saw me after I got my hair done and all dressed up (after almost crying because nothing fit anymore, but I found something black, classy, and slimming) his jaw dropped and he called me beautiful :-) We then went and had the best Italian I have had in YEARS!!! YUMMMM!!!! And then we hit Walmart. You know how Walmart is crammed with things that you dont need, but you want??? Well, Jamie indulged me and let me pick out all sorts off things, DVDs, CDs, and this awesome Volleyball, racquetball, tennis, thing set to put out in the backyard...when then came home and listened to the new cds and drank wine and just spent time togeather.....It was lovely....then he went off to bed and I went online to blog for the night before I tried to sleep......

and then my father IM'd me on AOL. Oh boy....I get heart palpations thinking about this conversation.... Breif background: He is an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic who is married to a gold digger. This is his 3rd marriage, after being with my mom 1st for 25 years, then his 2nd after 4 months ended with guns, stolen money etc...so this is his 3rd. She got a good gig, going from a $10,000 trailer to a $200,000 house on the intercoastal waterway with private pier and boat dock (which is beautiful) That doesnt bother me so much as she has 3 adult kids all married with kids. My father seems to forget that he has 2 kids...my brother (who desperatly needs support right now) and me (who most of the time feels beyond help! LOL). Here is the hardest thing for me to deal with: Since his last marriage, my father has found Jesus. He never showed any intrest in church while I was growing up and I would sometimes go to church with friends with no support from him. that was fine. I am was ok with that.
Well when I was 16 my parents seperated. Great, my father had a mean fist and was not afraid to use it (esp on my brother) I was not hit as often. My parents seperated, my mother decided that she was 25 again and started going to clubs. I was in high school working 2 jobs and had my first serious boyfriend. I was surviving....blah, blah, blah, My mom finds spirituality when I was about 25. She believes in God and angels and starts meditiating and lighting candles...I find this cool, whatever, it makes her happy....so I have a father Southern Baptist and a mother..a spiritualist, I guess? Anyway, I have own beliefs and I dont care to get into them right now, but It is not Southern Baptist. I also have a stepbrother who is a southern baptist preacher.

I am sooo off track of the point...

I get an IM from dad talking about his wife and their problems (they may have seperated?)
At one point I heard she was going to anger managment classes, but did not finish? I cant keep track anymore. Anyhow, he thought he was IMimg my MOTHER.....and started talking all sorts of shit about Viagra etc....icky stuff that a daughter need not hear. I corrected him right away and then he proceeds to tell me that him and my mom were going to get back togeather...until he and wife worked things out and now mom is pissed at him...I talk to mom either by email or phone daily and I KNOW she wants nothing to do with dad, except when it has something to do with the kids. But I dont say anything. I change subject (a talent of mine) and ask about medication, since I get this lovely bipolar from his genetics. He then tells me that he refuses meds because the Lord is helping him.. He is "toughing it out" with the Lords help....Well, I said that God invented meds for man and he said he was sorry for me and that he wanted to talk in person. I said fine, just dont preach at me.....I HAVE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN MY HEAD!!!! I need chemical adjustment. Although I do believe in prayer, I feel that I need to be proactive also "God helps those who helps themselves" right??? I have a different opinion on religion/ spirituality etc... but a father should want his child to get better, even though its not what avenue they may choose right? I mean the bottom line is health and be productive in society.

But the fact that all this stuff is happening in my head and I KNOW he feels the same way, instead of supporting me, he judges me because I am choosing meds.....he chooses jesus, thats fine, but respect what I believe too...What happened to the commandment "though shall not judge" ???

I dont know if any of this makes sense to anyone. My eyes are swollen and blurry from crying and my head is just not working right.....

2006-07-14T13:32:00.000-04:00

So now I am freaking out...just talked to Brother...he has had stomach ulcers since he was 15...with all this stress they have come back in full force and he is not able to keep anything down. He has no health insurance although he promised that if it got too bad he would go to the ER. He said that he found a cure for stomach ulcers....pot. Has anyone done/ heard about this? According to him medicinal weed has been proven to cure them. No, Brother is not one to take drugs (he is quite the computer, geeky boy) so I know he not just looking for an excuse to get high. But both of us are gulliable and believe everything we are told. He has not even tried it (because he will have to take a drug test when he gets employment) But I am wondering if anyone else has ever heard of this? Or any other alternatives?

2006-07-13T23:12:00.000-04:00

Busy day today....Jamie got a financial reward for being such a good guy at work so we are celebrating tomorrow night with an expensive dinner (well, expensive for this little town) What he does not know is that I have an appt with my magical hair stylist at 3 to surprise him when he comes home :-) I applied for 3 jobs today, so hopefully I will hear something soon...I have applied for prob 30 jobs in the past 2 weeks, so something Must happen soon right? Lamictal seems to be ok, I dont feel anything yet....I had a headache today for a bit, but not sure yet if itwas because of the pill. I have my pdoc appt next Weds for a "full and complete eval" so if I dont write its because they have sent me away :-) Which at this point I would not object to be honest. Going through all this I feel as if I am all alone with all the pills, maybe if I was supervised while finding the right med I would feel safer, not so much of "take the pill and hope for the best" and hope you dont have an allergic reaction that might kill you. I dont understand why they can measure levels in blood of minerals, hormones, lead, white cells, red cell, etc....and yet they cant measure seratonin or any of the other brain chemicals. Have they even tried? Maybe if there was a peice of paper that printed out my crazy chemical levels, not only would the stigma of mental illness be demolished (like with the measure of blood sugar levels) but the drs could choose which drug would work. Its all a crap shoot at this point. Ok, done ranting on the injustices of all this bullshit (for the moment anyway)

I have been in a lovely cleaning mode today. I even organized and catagorized my cds and books (I have 5 tall bookshelves of books) along with doing the dishes, vacuuming and filing bills..yea for me :-)

My best friend who is 2,000 miles away just found out she is 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I am going to be an auntie!!! her and I went through so much togeather. She is the only friend that I have talked to about this bipolar thing, and she did not miss a beat. You know your true friends when you can talk to them about something like this and they love you anyway without judgement. I love how we dont even talk about it much except to ask how I am feeling and then it is on to whatever else topic there is. She does not tiptoe around me and I appreciate it that more than I can ever say.

Well not only is BF pregnant but my next door neighbor ( I live in a duplex) announced that she was 4 weeks 3 days pregnant. They are both due in March (which is also my brothers b-day) so I will be pretty much broke :-) but I dont mind a bit. I am planning on getting both babies started on a good classic childrens book collection. I already went and bought Mozart for both of them :-) I know, its a bit snobbish, but I am ok with that.

off to read a bit......

2006-07-12T23:49:00.000-04:00

I guess it was too much to ask to sleep two nights in a row.....I took the Xanax at 9....fell asleep for about 15 min at 10:30 and now I am wide awake......I am going to go pour a glass of wine....I have GOT to sleep....

2006-07-12T20:11:00.000-04:00

Talked to brother today...he has an appt with a temp agency, so hopefully it will work out and he can get a place of his own!
It was a bloody miracle last night, after having mega anxiety, I took a .5mg of Xanax, I usually only take .25 . Well, 30 min after I took it, I was sound asleep...I havent slept that good in years! I finally found a pill that works as a sleeping pill! Yipee!
I had another job interview today, but as he was telling me how bright and personable I was, he thinks I am overqualified and that I wont have any trouble finding a job. I have been looking for 8 months now!! Oh well, at least he made me feel good as he was rejecting me. it could have been worse.

2006-07-11T20:11:00.000-04:00

I keep feeling like I am crawling out of my skin...Just took a Xanax.....I hope this helps....

2006-07-11T12:52:00.000-04:00

I am tired...so tired....
Talked to brother, he is still hanging in there, I call him every day.
I have not been going to sleep until 4-4:30 am for the past 4 days....I took 4mgs of Lunesta last night and all it did was make me feel drunk. I did not get to sleep until 4am. I took the pill at 10pm. I cant live like this. I read an article about how researchers are finding that people who do not get enough sleep, gain weight. Maybe thats why I am so big.
I have such self hatred and loathing for myself. I cant stand it. I feel that I am never going to get my head straightened out. I feel helpless for my brother, I can hardly function myself and I dont know what to do to help him. I offered to go get him and take him wherever he needed to go, but he declines. But says he will call if he needs me. I hope so. We were raised that to accept help means that we now owe them. Its so frustrating.
Went to therapy yesterday. I havent decided if we "click" yet. I had a wonderful one in DC that helped with my anxiety wonderfully. My therapist now, seems to say alot of "what do You think you should do" when I explain a problem. Instead of teaching me diffrent perspectives and helpful tools. If I knew what to do with this problem by myself, I wouldnt be asking for help now would I?
I go to my pdoc next week.....I am tired of all these meds that just make me feel drugged all the time and I dont get any positive results. My main 2 concerns are the racing thoughts that make my head feel as if its a pressure cooker, its almost painful. I think faster than I can even talk. its ridiculous. and Very uncomfortable. The other is sleep. I need sleep. I miss sleep. I want to sleep like Jamie. As soon as he lays down he is asleep in 3 min. then wakes up at 5am feeling refreshed and ready for the day. I have Never been able to wake up refreshed...I wonder what its like....

2006-07-09T21:09:00.000-04:00

I have little brother, 3 years younger than me. We are complete opposites in what we think, like, believe etc....and after the usual sibling fights during our younger years, we have become almost friends. I dont agree with alot of his choices, but they are his to make and I support whatever he decides. He and I live 4 hours apart in NC. My mother lives in Chicago and my father..well that doesnt matter, he is not a good support system for either of us. Short version: Brother/Boy followed girlfriend to another town 2 hours way so girl could go to school. Boy gets job. Girls parents wont pay for any of girls rent so boy pays (even though girl has HUGE trust fund that she has access to) Thats cool. Boy pays willingly and unselfishly. Boys sister (Me) and mom (who drove from Chicago) go to happy couples house for xmas. boys sister and mom leave the next day in tears after horrible comments made by Girl towards Boy's mom and sister. Degrading comments made ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT. (Girl is DAMN lucky boys sis did not KICK HER ASS, but she respects boy, and mom was upset enough) Boys sis and mom get over it and offer full acceptance of girl (who never apologized) Well, economy goes to shit, boy gets laid off work 2 weeks ago. After getting out of hospital for unidentified fainting spells. Boy is a bit vulerable and could use a little fucking compassion. (be warned, the language gets worse) Nope, girl decides if boy doesnt find job and pay rent that he needs to leave. After he has supported her with her using NONE of her own money so she can go to school full time without having to work. Oh and the fact that 2 months ago, she said she would MARRY him. He gets a brief time of bad luck and she bails. I say fine good riddence. Nope, he is in a town where he does not know too many people and she is telling him to leave (he is still in the middle of tests about the fainting spells) Well he has spent all his money on her. Any leftover has gone to Dr appt. Well last week he BORROWED money from her TO BUY HER GROCERIES. He has nothing except a car...now he does not even have that. Yup, he sold his car to pay back the GROCERY MONEY THAT HE SPENT ON HER AND HER FUCKING RENT. He isnt even staying there but both names are on the lease. He is sleeping on a couch trying to figure out how to get back to where he came from. Well now the hopelessness and helplessness has gotten so bad, suicide is heavy on his mind. He knows enough to call someone but I feel so helpless not being near....my mom feels like a complete failure with 2 unemployed kids, both struggling, and she is hours and hours away. It breaks my heart..I want to kick girls ass for making my mom feel bad too! Mom has enough on her plate (she also recently got out of the hospital) and while I am not dumb and know that Boy is not perfect and made his own mistakes with Girl, but I will ALWAYS choose his side. UUUUGGGG..... I called him a little while ago and he seems to be holding up, but it scares me how night (at least for me) brings the hopelessness closer and I am scared he wont be able to bear it.....

2006-07-06T16:17:00.000-04:00

This is a completly random thought blog....for the past 2 weeks my head has been swimming with thoughts and cant seem to put it all in a straight line. I feel this unbearable pressure in my head from thinking too much. Sleep is a distant memory. No pill has helped. I cant focus on a damn thing. This post is taking FOREVER to write. But some people have been nice enough to read my ramblings, so I need to get over my insecurities and write dammit!

I wonder what part of my personality is illness and what is the core of me? The fact I care waaayy too much about what other people think - illness? me? My insecurities? When I feel happy, is that hypomania or me? Is hypomania the only way I get to smile?

I thought the other day that Jamie was finally "getting it" about my moods etc...nope. He had the audacity to say to me yesterday that I just need to change my perpective and I will feel better. Think happy thoughts. WTF??? What am I, Peter Pan? Gets me fired up just to write that stupidity down. he is quick to say what he "thinks I need to do" and yet has not done ANY reading or educating about Bipolar. grrrrrr....... Well, shit, now I am all pissed off.

On a good note, I have a job interview tomorrow....That has health insurance! Please think good thoughts for me! It is at a dr office, so maybe if I have a bad reaction to any meds they might be a little more understanding....but hopefully I will take the Lamictal and all will be well :-)

I spend too much time reading blogs. I love them. Am unbelievably addicted. I spend hours reading stories. Is there a blog ettiquitte when you read someone elses? Please understand I just started this recently. I never really knew what a blog was until I read one a month ago. but if I am making any faux pas, it is not intended.

One of these days I will learn more about HTML and make this space better, but I am lucky most days if I have the energy to write.

I dont have a 100 things about me...but here are a few peices of info:

Punkin: My father has always called me this. I thought since he is an unmedicated alcoholic bipolar that I should add something other than bipolar that we share.

I cannot remember a time I did not have depression. I am only 27

I have never felt like I belong anywhere or with anyone. I keep waiting for someone to walk up and tell me I dont belong here.

I had my first panic attack at 19 on an airplane. My mom works for a major airline and my father retired from the FAA....hmmm..wonder if there is some connection? LOL

When I moved from CO to VA at 23 my mom had to pack up everything I own and drive me out there becuase I could not get out of bed.

My mom does not understand mental illness. She loves me anyway.

My dad did not believe me when I told him. He says I am strong enough to overcome bipolar without medication. WTF? Yeah, hows that working for you dad? I wont even go into the drama that he puts himself through......

I read EVERYTHING. Any book I get my hands on I read it. It is the only way I can get thoughts to form a straight line in my head. Even though they are not my thoughts.

I have not one creative bone in my body.

ok, this is going to post...

2006-07-03T14:35:00.000-04:00

I really meant to write lately. But Jamie's godson came down for a visit with his buddy before they go into the Marine corp in 2 weeks. Too much testosterone in the house for me! I spent the past 3 days in the kitchen. And now, blissfully, I have a full hour to myself! Yipee! And I got my very first comment! And it was from my favorite blog....it was a meme.....thats a good way to get to know someone better I think.... so here goes

Instructions:
1. Go to Wikipedia.
2. In the Search box, type your birth month and day (but not year).
3. List three events that happened on your birthday.
4. List two important birthdays and one interesting death.
5. One holiday or observance (if any).

My birthday is August 20th.

Events:
1. 1920 - The first commercial radio station, 8MK (WWJ), begins operations in Detroit, Michigan.
2. 1938 - Lou Gehrig hits his 23rd career grand slam--a record that still stands.
3. 1991 - Collapse of the Soviet Union: More than 100,000 people rally outside the Soviet Union's parliament building protesting the coup aiming to depose President Mikhail Gorbachev

Important birthdays:
1. 1948 - Robert Plant, English singer (Led Zeppelin)
2. 1946 - Connie Chung, American journalist

Death:
1912 - William Booth, English founder of the Salvation Army (b. 1829)

Holiday:
Morocco - Revolution of the King and the People Day

Interesting fact: 3 diffrent Popes died on my birthday over the years...hmmmm....

Now I must go and enjoy the quiet....

2006-06-22T10:08:00.000-04:00

I HATE DOCTORS!!!! I understand that it is called "medical practice" but still!!! There are people involved! Actually I did not even get to see a Dr. I got a PA. Which a friend of mine is a PA but she was a nurse for years before. And she is not a psychiatric PA. She doesnt dole out medications flippantly and irresponsiably. And then when you have a horriable reaction to said medication, she doesnt try to tell you that its ok, it will leave your system, and that its weird that you had a reaction to it, considering it had an antihistimine in it. So what? I had a reaction, dont try to placate it. I cant afford to go to the ER every time I get put on something new. I have no health insurance yet. And when 30 minutes after taking the damn pill, my left arm goes numb and my heart starts pounding and I cant move beacuse of the dizziness, YES IT IS A REACTION TO THE PILL. Not for ANY OTHER REASON! And thats just ONE pill...I still have two more wonderful drugs to try. I just want to crawl in a corner and cry. I know there are soo many problems with our health care system, and most of the time its not the drs fault that he can only spend 10 minutes with you, but its got to change! Too many peoples lives are at stake! uggggg...I hate being a guinea pig to get better.

2006-06-18T21:31:00.000-04:00

Jamie is home! He went away to a graduation ceremony for the weekend and just came back. We sat on the back deck for awhile and I was finally able to word some of the concerns that he has said regarding the whole bipolar thing. I think he finally gets some of what I am trying to say to him. I know and he knows that he will never understand fully without ever having these horrid feelings, but at least I feel better trying to get it across to him and he listened. And I am truly blessed that at least he is trying. And that he is going to be there to supervise me while I start this next round of meds. I have never had anyone to go through that with me. New thing. Scary as hell to be vulnerable though, but at least he is caring and concerned. Even if he can be stubborn and pigheaded! Anyway, more later :-)

2006-06-17T00:13:00.000-04:00

I just got back from the Bookstore where I picked up the book Post Secret. It is so beautiful and tragic at the same time. It makes me feel incrediably sad. I want to hug strangers, because you never really know what someone is going through. We all have our perceptions of how we think other people are, in my case I always think everyone else "has it all togeather". Anyway, I highly recommend it. I love reading books that make you think and feel. Too bad they seem to be few and far between lately :-) I also bought Magical Thinking by Augusten Burroughs. I read Dry and Running with Scissors and was very impressed, so I will see how his short stories are. I doubt I will be disapointed. Not too much happening other than that. I seem to be having mini cycles all day. I could not get off the couch earlier, now I want to take the dog I am dogsitting for and go on a 5 mile run and I dont even run in the first place! All this goes on in my head though....I know I will just sit here with the dog and read. Well, at least I went to the bookstore (even if I did spend too much money!)

PS~ For some reason my spell check is not working...until I figure it out please bear with me :-)

2006-06-16T17:51:00.000-04:00

ok....here I am. 2 days ago I was diagnosed with BiPolar type 2. Yippee. Lucky me. and another fabulous bonus: starting Tues I get to ride the medication rollercoaster and all the lovely side effects it intails. I have tried about 12 so far for depression, and what fun that was! But I never found any that made me feel better. All that work and time and nothing. just nausea, dizzyness, bitchness (oh, wait thats not new) heart exploding (I highly recommend, the bruising afterwards had such pretty colors to look at).

So anyway, one of the things I was told to do was journal. For some reason I look at that empty peice of paper and draw a complete blank. Always have, but i love owning journals (weird)

So I went to the world wide web for ideas. and I discovered blogging. and blogging. and blogging. I spent 8 hours reading http://janelovestarzan.com from start to current. I laughed and cried and finally found hope. She is an amazing woman. She talks sometimes how blogging is an outlet for healing and how much better her community has made her feel. So, I decided to take the plunge. Yes, boys and girls, this is my virgin voyage and I have no idea what I am doing, but thats ok, cause its not about graphics (wellll, not ALL about) Its about getting all this crap off my chest and hopefully making friends that share the same issues. I need hope. And I have found it in so many blogs from people who are couragous enough to create these amazing words and be real about it. This has been a long mental journey and now that I finally get a diagnosis that makes sense to me, I need a help up